AJ News

We all hit little roadblocks along the way on our parenting journey. These are times when the common sense we depend on fails us, and we are unsure of which direction to go.

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A few weeks ago, our 8-year-old started bringing up the idea of having her own room. The girls have shared a room since forever, and have both commented on how they enjoy the comforts of having another person (and a dog) to go to sleep with.

“I’m the only person in my grade that doesn’t have their own room,” Dani stated. My husband and I understood her desire for independence and the room was available, so last Sunday, Dani made the move. Soon after the lights were out, her little sister was crying into her pillow as if she’d lost her best friend. “I’m trying to be good, but I just can’t stop…” Lauren whimpered. After several futile attempts to calm her, Dani appeared in the bedroom doorway. She was back.

The next day, Dani still expressed her desire for her own room and Lauren was inconsolable at the thought. In a brief conversation with my mother, who manages a large pediatric practice in Connecticut, I asked her to consult her doctors about my dilemma, if she had the chance. By the end of the day, I was given a pearl of wisdom.

“Dr. Shelling said to ‘normalize it,’” my mom told me, speaking of one of her senior partners.. “Calmly express to Dani that it’s perfectly normal to want her own room at this age, and let Lauren know that it’s absolutely normal to have hurt feelings about it. Then support them both as you move through it. Spend extra time with Lauren at bedtime. Let them both know it’s OK.” Suddenly, what seemed like such a difficult predicament became crystal clear. It wasn’t the first time a wise pediatrician had such an affect on our family.

Four years earlier, I found myself having a terrible time potty-training Lauren. Dani, the precocious one, had basically done it herself at two, so I was dumb-founded by this 3-year-old who refused to cooperate. After months of trying to reason with her, I simply stopped buying diapers. She would cry for one and then end up doing her business in the corner.

It was during this time that we went for a visit to their Nana’s practice in Connecticut. My mom had mentioned our problem to Dr. Shelling, who, upon greeting the girls, asked which one was Lauren. He gently took her hands and squatted down at her level. “You like your diapers, don’t you?” he asked. “And you know Mommy has big girl panties for you, right? You know what? You decide when you want to wear them. You can go in your diaper as long as you like, and when you’re ready, let Mommy know, and she’ll give you the panties. OK?” It was less than a week until she asked for those panties.

When Dani was a baby, she was a terror. I think the term they now use is “spirited child.” She was a tiny bundle of nonstop energy who ripped toys out of other children’s hands and slapped her peers for no apparent reason. I was mortified. Where did she learn this behavior? It had to run in my husband’s side of the family, because no one in my family ever acted like this.

We had been to visit my sister in upstate New York for the weekend. Dani, at 20 months, was now a big sister. As I showed off precious baby Lauren to our relatives, Dani slapped, pushed and stole from their toddler for 48 straight hours. Despite having planned to come back home on Sunday, we were delayed an extra night due to snow. My heart went out to my sister for having to put up with us for one more night.

I arrived for baby Lauren’s Monday well-visit straight from the road, frazzled and stressed out. “What is wrong with her?” I asked Dr. Tigue about Dani. “I can’t take it anymore. She won’t share, she hits. I’m so embarrassed about her behavior.”

Dr. Tigue calmly looked at me and stated in her warm way, “Adriane, she’s a baby.” She went on to remind me that Dani wasn’t even two yet, that we could reinforce all the right behaviors, but it would take a while for them to catch on. Be patient. Wow, had I needed that reality check. She had that way of cutting straight through all the chaos swarming around in my head, and just stating the obvious. And, seven years later, I can happily report that she was right.

Adriane Heine and her husband, Doug, own Dublin’s Pub in West Scranton and are raising their two daughters in Waverly. Contact her at news@theabingtonjournal.com or heine123@epix.net with column questions or suggestions.