SORRY MOM & DAD: Unrequited love

November 28, 2012

I don‚??t remember a time when I wasn't a hot mess. Like having green eyes, being all over the place feels like it is just part of my permanent deal. I remember being three years old and peeling open the refrigerator door, a considerable accomplishment at the time, drinking pickle juice straight from the jar.
‚??You can‚??t drink that,‚?Ě my mother would adamantly warn me. ‚??It will make you sick.‚?Ě
After throwing a tantrum, she would give in and pour me a drop of pickle juice in a Dixie Cup. I would, of course, pretend to be pleased as I sipped on it. Then, as soon as I was in the clear, I‚??d waddle back to the refrigerator and start chugging what I thought was an appropriate amount of pickle juice to soothe my craving. What a hot mess toddler!
Twenty-three years later, it‚??s grape-flavored Four Loko that my mother catches me chugging at the refrigerator door. I guess habits have a better chance of evolving than dying.
The older I get, the harder it is to find a hot mess to relate to. Dude! Even Charlie Sheen seems to have gotten his act together.
Just when I thought a kindred soul didn't exist, I stumbled upon a TV show where a drunk Indian girl was crying because a mean-spirited doll she met at the bottom of a swimming pool made fun of her for being single. That‚??s my life in a nutshell.
The more I watched this show, ‚??The Mindy Project,‚?Ě starring Mindy Kaling from ‚??The Office,‚?Ě the more I found comfort from the characters portrayed. They verified that someone‚??s life could appear stable on paper and still be all over the place.
‚??The Mindy Project‚?Ě quickly became one of my favorite TV shows, as I found Kaling to basically be me with an Indian vagina.
Like everyone who falls short of wishing they were good enough friends with Kaling to raise a Chia Pet together, I decided to do the next best thing and follow her on Twitter.
When I went to @MindyKaling and clicked Follow, a message popped up: ‚??You have been blocked from following this account at the request of the user.‚?Ě
‚??Mindy Kaling blocked me from following her on Twitter?‚?Ě I cried. ‚??My life can‚??t be real.‚?Ě
Crestfallen, I was left with many questions. Did I do something to piss off America‚??s Indian sweetheart? How does she even know I exist? More importantly, I only have 195 Twitter followers. Is everyone tweeting without me?