That. Is. The. Height! She enunciated the four words, wielding a hairbrush as she made her point about laziness. She’s a tad gun-shy when it comes to forums like this, so I can’t really say who she is, but “hairbrush” is a clue, and she might have been holding scissors, too. Your other clue is this is a woman who, in her profession, really does hear it all, so she’s bound to have opinions.

This particular one applied to a woman in her life, to whom she’s close enough to have seen the inside of her fridge, who had, it seems, chosen to buy pre-sliced apples. If you can imagine. Yes, at least one woman is alive today who’d prefer to pay a premium rather than deal with a peeler or paring knife, followed by an all-purpose cutting implement. That’s at least two tools, after all, and maybe she doesn’t have room in her kitchen?

Hee hee. Ha ha. My heart went out to the mystery woman as I made my own revelation to the lady with the hair tools: “Don’t judge me, but sometimes I buy frozen onions.”

Not that I don’t love even the very look of a silk-skinned Vidalia in prime season or the heady bouquet of a pretty purple-red. I just have yet to chop an onion without weeping operatically.

After explaining this, I learned that a certain device on the market today not only makes swift, clean work of onions, but Johnson & Johnson might want to consider an acquisition, so strong is the pull of no more tears.

But sigh. Another device? “Why do you think I don’t own ‘onion goggles?’ ” I lamented. Because I mean to clear out, not clog up, shelves and drawers, and yet another kitchen contraption, handy dandy or not, is not conducive.

After all, you might remember, I’ve been the recent voluntary subject of an intervention, and I’m still in observation and recovery. Today, I’m supposed to invite you all to inventory. Ready?

Raise your hand if you have:

• Speaking of apples (ahem), an apple corer-peeler-slicer. Six points. Six more if yours is engraved with “Pampered Chef.” That puts you 12 points on your way to 100 (which is where you qualify to join me in intervention). But I’m not judging you. I like parties, too. And shopping. And I don’t hate shopping parties, at which we all know you have to buy something. Which is half the reason I’ve ended up with:

• Not one but two plunger-in-the-middle plastic pitchers perfect for frozen orange juice, except I generally don’t buy frozen orange juice, so I’m ashamed to say I use these mostly for iced-tea mix, when I even buy iced-tea mix, which isn’t often because of all the fancy Turkey Hill gallon specials. Twenty points for each such pitcher in your possession.

• A potato masher and a garlic press, neither of which I ever touch. Stand mixers handle spuds, too, you know, and I have yet to meet a clove of garlic that refuses to “press” under the mere weight of the back of a spoon. Twenty points for each of these you can wave.

Are you at 92 with me yet? Want eight more?

One point for each cutting board, pot glove, spaghetti fork, spatula, slotted spoon and, heck, souvenir shot glass you can produce. And one more for each Champagne flute, brandy snifter and martini glass, all space-hoggers plenty of us can but don’t live without. You should be well past 100 now, right?

Whose fault is this? Can’t answer that, but I will say maybe the overstimulated lot of us just need to take a step back and laugh, at our whole world. I recently got a pitch to promote the purchase of something called “The Dog Dicer.” (Seriously. Google it.)

Tell you what. If you can muster the strength to part with 50 or more kitchen implements you don’t need, I’ll buy you this little tool that will swiftly and safely cut up your hot dog for you.

Yes, I’m serious. That’s what it does.

Think I’ll pass for now. (Not feeling well anyway.) If you know of a tool that will butter my soup crackers for me (without breaking them), shout it out. I have just the spot waiting. Right where the garlic press used to live.

About the Author

Sandra Snyder covers Features for the Times Leader. Reach her at (570) 831-7383 or ssnyder@timesleader.com.

Sandra Snyder is the Times Leader's features editor, overseeing the Taste, Life, At Home and Sunday Entertainment/Travel/Culture sections as well as Friday's entertainment publication, The Guide. She began working at the Times Leader in 1993 as a news copy editor and has held various positions, including Hazleton editor/bureau chief, editor of the Times Leader-Mountaintop and Social Issues co-editor. She also has done general-interest news and features reporting. Her most memorable interview to this day? The delightful and now decidedly not-16-going-on-17 Charmian Carr, a.k.a. Liesl in "The Sound of Music." Sandra's Wall to Wall At Home column publishes on alternating Saturdays in the At Home section. Readers who love (and sometimes despise) their homes are encouraged to write to her and share their household tales, tragic or otherwise, particularly the type they're willing to have retold in print.

Archives

Say, brother, can you dice a dog for me? SANDRA SNYDER WALL TO WALL

Turns out an intervention’s a lovely thing SANDRA SNYDER WALL TO WALL

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