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By KEVIN KAZOKAS [email protected]
Saturday, July 02, 2005     Page: 9A

`Joe, are you ready yet?”
   
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m coming,” the husband grumbles to his wife as he
strolls into the room.
    The couple are running late for their destination, and a last-minute
quarrel has arisen over Joe’s wardrobe.
   
“You never listen to me,” Karen says cuttingly. “You still insist on
wearing jeans and sneaks!”
   
But Joe sees the blame falling elsewhere. “We’re late because you did
this,” he says, referring to his wife’s making him change into snazzier
clothes.
   
The argument escalates from a back-and-forth ping-pong match to all-out
verbal combat, each participant talking over the other.
   
Fortunately for Scranton residents Joe and Karen Barrett, married for 16
years, this isn’t a real-life squabble. Instead, it’s a skit they participate
in sometimes during Pre-Cana conferences, which are Roman Catholic
marital-preparation sessions, offered locally by the Diocese of Scranton.
   
The all-too-convincing routine, which the Barretts demonstrated at the June
25 Pre-Cana session in Scranton, is designed to alert engaged couples about
communication problems that can arise during marriage.
   
The act is just one component of the diocese’s four-hour Pre-Cana
conferences, which take place periodically at assorted sites.
   
Pre-Cana is not mandated by church law or diocesan policy but remains a
common stop on the way to the altar for many Roman Catholic couples, said Mary
Ann Paulukonis, the diocese’s family-life director, who led last week’s
conference with her husband, Jay.
   
At least some form of marital preparation is required in the Roman Catholic
Church. For many couples, sometimes even non-Catholics, the program of choice
is Pre-Cana.
   
“We even had Protestant couples come that were referred by their minister,”
Paulukonis said.
   
Every diocesan Pre-Cana conference includes the administration of FOCCUS
(Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study), a
150-plus-question premarital assessment instrument designed to help couples
identify marital issues they haven’t discussed yet.
   
There also are discussions on the rite of marriage and sharing spirituality
as well as demonstrations of the Speaker-Listener Technique, a scientific
method developed by University of Denver researchers to help couples
peacefully resolve conflicts.
   
After their heated back-and-forth exchange at Saturday’s conference, the
Barretts replayed the scene using the more subdued, structured
Speaker-Listener Technique. One partner speaks his or her concerns while
holding a card, then the listener paraphrases what the speaker has said. The
card is then passed to the listener, and the process is repeated.
   
Partners in attendance had several chances to try the strategy on one
another.
   
Once, Karen Barrett noted, a couple left after an argument erupted between
them during a Speaker-Listener exercise. That was not the case Saturday.
   
The Speaker-Listener exercise appeared to get future spouses talking about
issues – smiles, looks of concern and deep discussion all were seen during the
exercises – though at least one person saw the technique as a bit artificial.
   
“It was hard,” Robert Smith, 26, of Wilkes-Barre, said while standing next
to his fiancee, 23-year-old Christine Alu of Pittston. The couple will marry
on Oct. 1. “It wasn’t real. It wasn’t like you’re at the house.”
   
Overall, however, Smith enjoyed the conference.
   
“At first, when we got here, I didn’t really have high expectations or
anything. But at the end, it was fun.”
   
Matt Slocum, a 28-year-old Scranton native, found FOCCUS particularly
important. The survey covers everything from partners’ attitudes toward sex to
topics such as children or finances.
   
“I thought the questions were very insightful,” he said during a conference
break, sitting next to his future wife, 27-year-old Arianne Naismith, also a
Scranton native. “If anything, the test was quite reassuring,” Slocum said.
   
For Mary Ann Gifford, 22, of Scranton, and Elizabeth Dixon, 26, a Throop
native, FOCCUS didn’t really touch on anything they hadn’t already discussed
with their future husbands, they said.
   
But the survey did examine at least one topic that Olyphant resident Jerry
Tully, 23, hadn’t addressed with his fiancee, Becky Ricketts. That would be
the number of kids they wished to have, Tully said.
   
Paulukonis said FOCCUS helps facilitators on the parish level, often
priests, determine what issues to address with the couple before the wedding.
   
Saturday’s Pre-Cana also included a demonstration of setting up a dining
table and an altar side by side to illustrate the parallels between the church
and life at home.
   
The message? “The most basic unit of church is the family, starting with
the couple,” Mary Ann Paulukonis told attendees. She said a husband and wife
give their lives for each other in all sorts of ways, just as Christ gave his
life for man.
   
Time also was spent discussing Natural Family Planning, which involves
methods advocated by Catholic teaching to achieve or avoid pregnancy, and the
sacredness of sexuality.
   
Mary Ann Paulukonis urges couples to attend a Pre-Cana session well in
advance of their wedding day to leave enough time to sort through differences
or postpone or cancel the wedding, if necessary.
   
Not all couples heed that advice.
   
“There’s a lot of them in here that are getting married in August,” she
said.
   
No matter how soon their wedding day, though, those in Saturday’s audience
received a consistent message from conference leaders.
   
“You people getting married are doing God’s work,” Joe Barrett told the
couples. “You’re coming together as one. … This is a vocation.”
   
The Roman Catholic Church is not the only religious denomination to offer
marital-preparation lessons.
   
The Byzantine Catholic rite offers a program similar to Pre-Cana once a
year, said the Rev. Gary Mensinger, pastor of St. Michael’s Byzantine Catholic
Church in Pittston. The program is mandatory, but if couples miss it, “we make
other arrangements,” Mensinger said.
   
Calls to several area Protestant churches revealed that while
denomination-wide marriage-preparation programs don’t seem to exist locally,
couples do usually engage in private marital-preparation sessions with their
pastors.
   
In the Jewish faith, meanwhile, couples are required to meet with their
rabbis for sessions covering wedding specifics as well as the philosophy of
Jewish marriage and Jewish life, said Rabbi Meir Rosenberg of Congregation
Ohav Zedek, an Orthodox synagogue in Wilkes-Barre. Rabbis may recommend
mentors for both spouses to help them further prepare for marriage, Rosenberg
said.
   
The Diocese of Scranton offers Pre-Cana conferences periodically for
couples preparing to get married in the Roman Catholic Church. For a list of
upcoming conferences and details on how to register, go to
http://www.dioceseofscranton.org/mainpage/index.htm.
   
Additional parish-sponsored Pre-Cana programs are available at some
churches.
   
Besides Pre-Cana, the diocese is offering:
   
Engaged Encounter, an intense weekend of marriage preparation, Nov. 4
through 6, Fatima Renewal Center, Dalton; registration fee: $215 includes
meals and lodging for both partners.
   
Love is Not Enough: Communicating for Lifelong Marriage workshop (formerly
Forever Yes) on danger signs and how to use the Speaker-Listener Technique,
Sept. 10, St. Joseph’s Parish Center, Scranton.
   
Commitment and Beyond, lessons on how to use the Speaker-Listener Technique
for hidden issues and to build commitment, Nov. 5, St. Joseph’s Parish Center
   
Information on these workshops can be found at
http://www.dioceseofscranton.org/mainpage/index.htm.
   
“At first, when we got here, I didn’t really have high expectations or
anything. But at the end, it was fun.”
   
Robert Smith Wilkes-Barre