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CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)
Being a good person — even a saintly one — doesn’t exempt you from unjust bullshit. Things happen to you regardless of whether you deserve them, or any notion of fairness. Someone who’s less obsessed with their own virtue might react to those events with a shrug, thinking, “It’s about time,” instead of, “It’s not fair.” Consequently they’d get through this crap with more speed and ease than you’ll likely experience, because you’re apt to squander a lot of time carping on the injustice of it all, and feeling sorry for yourself. Try not to do that. Shit just happens.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)
Get those creative juices flowing. Lately, you’ve been doing a lot of crap that’s likely to constipate your inspiration and creativity, mind-dulling shit like work, drunken partying, or just zoning out in front of the tube. No wonder there hasn’t been much originality from you recently. Luckily, it’s easy enough to jumpstart your creative mind, and nothing so complicated as finding a muse, attending a workshop, or doing exotic drugs. It’s just making time and space — ideally by phasing out some of the shit that’s obstructing your creativity and replacing it with exactly nothing. Your busy imagination, if you’re patient enough, will do the rest.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)
Yes, you performed an astonishing feat — but don’t fool yourself into thinking you pulled the sword from the stone. Before you dress up for your coronation or ticker tape parade, remember that things aren’t how they were back in good old King Arthur’s time. Your accomplishment, while amazing today, will probably be mostly forgotten tomorrow. Enjoy the gratitude, but if you want to maintain your rep as a minor miracle worker, be prepared to pull a new sword from a new stone tomorrow, and again the day after that, ad infinitum. Sorry, that’s just the way it works.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)
Are you as bored with the lingering guilt you feel about a past mistake as I am? I wonder if you’re even consciously aware of all the things you do to cope with it or try to ignore it — but they’d become incredibly obvious if they were suddenly unnecessary. If you could rid yourself of the burden of remorse, you’d feel so light and free. I want that for you. This week’s an excellent time to shed the layers of accumulated regret you’ve worn so long they fit you like a second (and third, and fourth) skin. How to molt, though? It might be as simple as making amends, but it could also involve something more complicated. I have a feeling you already know what might do the trick. Go try it.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)
I dreamt that trees were prisons for reincarnated souls serving time for mistakes made in previous lifetimes. They were designed to give these past-life criminals plenty of time to think, but also the chance to experience utter helplessness should anyone decide to brutally trim their branches, set them on fire, or cut them down. Hopefully you’ve done nothing so awful as to deserve such a fate, but I can’t help noticing how little effort you’ve been making to rectify the mistakes you have committed. You’re not a tree. You’ve got legs to walk, a mouth to talk, and hands to pick up and dial a phone. Use them while you’ve got them.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)
What you’re up to now is about as effective as stuffing your mattress with cash to prepare for a bleak economic future. If you really want to set yourself up well, you invest in crap that’s likely to have value in a crashed economy; in the cash-stuffed-mattress future, dollar bills might best double as toilet paper. If you’re really interested in preparing for a worst-case (or best-case) scenario, you need to actually think about what that might look like, and prepare accordingly. You’ve been guessing instead of really thinking. Stop being lazily knee-jerk and start being smart.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)
Just saying no is no way to kick an addiction. Negatives (“Drugs are bad, mmkay?”) will never trump positives. If our oversized brains were indeed that powerful, no one would have trouble quitting smoking or anything else. In this case, we’re simple, pleasure-seeking creatures. If you really want to quit something, your best strategy is dumping so much positive stuff — namely, sources of tangible pleasure — on the other side of the scale, that this side just can’t compare. If by quitting smoking, for example, you get to have a hundred better things in your life — all of which would go away if you lit up — never picking up another cancer stick becomes a no-brainer.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)
Giving up and throwing out all progress at the first real hitch is the sign of a foolish, spoiled child. While no one wants to beat their heads against something that is ultimately doomed to failure, not persisting a bit more than you have is quite simply a form of self-sabotage. It’s allowing your worst fears (“See, I told you it wouldn’t work!”) to control your reality, when in fact all that’s required is stubborn willpower. You have that, in spades, but you’ve been reluctant to exercise it. Some idiot (perhaps even me) convinced you it’s better to just “go with the flow.” No. Swim in the direction you know you want and need to go, even if it’s upstream the whole damn way.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)
Your innate duality has already taught you the value of sometimes following (or even enforcing) rules, and occasionally bending or breaking them. Your flexibility is mostly more virtue than flaw, unless you take it to extremes. Unfortunately, you Fish can often be just that bit too accommodating and flexible, especially when someone with a forceful personality (or a stunning smile) gets involved. (You’re exceptionally screwed if someone who’s both bossy and sexy shows up.) In this case, the rules make sense. They’re worth heeding. Don’t let a pretty tyrant make you do something you shouldn’t. This isn’t about meekly obeying the rules just because they’re there. You’ve already demonstrated you have the guts to do your own thing when necessary. This is about doing what’s best for all concerned — and that means sticking to your guns and insisting that it’s all done by the book.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)
You know a bad idea when you hear one — yet you sometimes get caught up in them anyway. Why is that? Is it a habit of ignoring your gut, low self-esteem, or simply a masochistic tendency to get yourself tangled up in messes you’ll need help getting out of (or getting over)? Some of your friends have seemingly infinite amounts of patience and forgiveness, but I wouldn’t count on that. Even though their supply appears inexhaustible, it does have limits, and you’re treading closer to them than you think. Heed your own instincts this week, and just keep yourself out of trouble.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)
Squeezing in your passions between your supposed obligations is fine as a temporary measure, during some kind of crunch time. But as a general rule of thumb, it’s very poor. What’s the point? If you’re not going to make the things you deeply care about the main focus of your life — during at least some part of your week, anyway — how much can you really care about them? Your priorities are all screwed up, and they’re a lot easier to change up than you seem to think. Stop fooling yourself, and make the things (and people) you really care about occupy proportional chunks of your life, already.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)
I hate people who brake at the end of a highway ramp. It’s so dumb and dangerous. Instead of using the ramp to accelerate and smoothly merge into traffic in a safe and intelligent way, they force themselves to have to go from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds. You know you may have to shift into high gear and proceed at top speed any time now — so don’t slow down and definitely don’t stop. Ideally, a light tap on the gas pedal should be enough to get you to the velocity you’ll need. If you have to floor it and pray, you’re doing something very wrong.
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Kevin Bacon
July 8 1958
Courtney Love
July 9 1964
Jessica Simpson (pictured)
July 10 1980
The Octo-Mom
July 11 1975
Bill Cosby
July 12 1937
Harrison Ford
July 13 1942
Harry Dean Stanton
July 14 1926