Click here to subscribe today or Login.
Sunday, October 19, 2003 Page: 1E
“WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT I’M INTO NOW!” THAT’S WHAT NEIGHBOR NED SAID TO ME
AS HE JOINED ME ON THE FRONT PORCH A FEW DAYS AGO. FOR NEW READERS THOSE OF
YOU WHO JUST LEARNED TO READ OR WHO JUST MOVED TO TOWN I SHOULD EXPLAIN THAT
NEIGHBOR NED IS OFTEN THOUGHT OF AS THE VILLAGE SCREWBALL. BUT, IT WOULD BE A
MISTAKE TO CALL NED A SCREWBALL. SEE, HE IS MORE OF A FREETHINKER. HE JUST
DOESN’T CARE WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT. HE’S ALSO HIGHLY EDUCATED. HE HAS DEGREES
FROM A HALF DOZEN UNIVERSITIES. THE LATEST ONE, THE UNIVERSITY OF LAS VEGAS,
WHERE HE STUDIED PREDICTIONS OF THE FUTURE. PREDICTIONS IS WHAT HE WANTED TO
TALK TO ME ABOUT. I SAID I COULDN’T WAIT TO HEAR WHAT HE IS NOW INTO. SO, THE
WAIT WAS OVER AND WE SETTLED DOWN TO TALK. “JACK,” HE SAID, “THE PROFESSORS
AT LAS VEGAS U. HAVE CONVINCED ME SCIENCE WILL SOON MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR US TO
TALK TO ANIMALS AND THEY WILL BE ABLE TO TALK BACK. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
THAT?” “IT DOESN’T SURPRISE ME,” I SAID. “AFTER ALL, PARROTS AND MYNAH
BIRDS CAN TALK, WHY NOT DOGS AND CATS?” NED SEEMED A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED I
WASN’T MORE IMPRESSED THAT CORRESPONDENCE WITH ANIMALS WAS JUST AROUND THE
CORNER, SO HE SAID: “OK. TRY THIS ONE: MY PROFESSORS TELL ME IN A FEW YEARS
WE WILL BE ABLE TO TALK TO OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO HAVE DIED. HOW DO YOU
LIKE THAT ONE?” “WOW!” I SAID. I WAS STUNNED. “ARE YOU SURE?” I ASKED.
“YEP! WE ALL HAVE SOULS,” NED SAID. “ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS LEARN HOW TO MAKE
A SOUL VISIBLE AND HOW TO HEAR IT TALK.” “OH, THAT WILL BE EASY, HUH?”
“NEVER MIND THE SARCASM,” NED SAID. “I HAVE GREAT CONFIDENCE IN OUR
SCIENTISTS.” “WELL,” I SAID, “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY TO YOUR DECEASED
FATHER WHEN YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM?” NED REPLIED, “I’M GOING TO ASK HIM
WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DIE. DOES IT HURT? DO YOU GET TO BE AN ANGEL RIGHT AWAY? CAN
YOU REALLY FLY? HOW’S THE FOOD? IS THERE FOOD? DO YOU HAVE TO SLEEP? CAN YOU
SEE WHAT’S GOING ON BACK ON EARTH? IS THERE ANY PLACE TO GO AFTER YOU’VE BEEN
IN HEAVEN FOR A HUNDRED YEARS OR SO? IS THERE REALLY A HELL? HOW GOOD DO YOU
HAVE TO BE TO BE SURE YOU’LL GET INTO HEAVEN INSTEAD OF HELL? IS HELL AS BAD
AS WE THINK IT IS? DO YOU GET OUT OF HELL AFTER AWHILE? SUPPOSE YOU’RE BAD AS
A YOUNG MAN, BUT GOOD AS YOU GET OLDER … IS IT TOO LATE? I’LL PROBABLY HAVE
A FEW OTHER QUESTIONS.” NED SEEMED TO HAVE FORGOTTEN MY SARCASM. “YEAH,” I
SAID, “I’D LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT THE FLYING. WHAT FUN! ALSO DO THEY HAVE GIRLS
THERE? OR DO WE ALL TURN INTO BOYS. OR GIRLS? I GUESS I’D HAVE A LOT OF
QUESTIONS TOO. BUT MAYBE WE BETTER KNOCK THIS ONE OFF. I’M IN NO HURRY TO GET
ANSWERS. YEAH, ALL THESE QUESTIONS CAN WAIT.” JACK CHAREST’S “THOUGHTS FOR
GROWN-UPS” COLUMN APPEARS SUNDAYS IN THE TIMES LEADER.