A Public Square deli has a little fun with its menu through the use of quirky titles for its lunch specials.

To get an idea by what I mean, Friday’s specials were called No Mom Today, Gone Camping and Won the Lotto.

If I were to own and operate a deli, I would use the same practice by naming sandwiches after events in Luzerne County.

The Conahizer would be an Italian sandwich with Italian dressing on Italian bread served by a designated waitress. For those sitting in the corner booth, you’re in luck, the Conahizer comes at a discount.

I’ll also have the Poweller sandwich consisting of fresh tuna caught off the Florida coastline on my very own fishing boat, well, it’s actually a 2002 Ocean Yacht 56 Super Sport named All Justice that I dock at my condominium in Jupiter, Fla.

The condominium is for sale, by the way. You can have it for $870,000.

I fly in the tuna on my 1981 Sabreliner 65 jet that I keep at the Hazleton Airport.

The price for my Pizza Pizzel sandwich with fresh Mozzarella cheese is a little steep at $5,000, but it’s well worth it.

My Sharkenator hoagie is only served on organic bread. No quid pro quo, please.

The Holly Justice sandwich is a wimpy made with Limburger cheese.

For those on a budget, my Dunner sandwich comes with cheap meat.

My Scartino and Highter are simple hot dogs that I recommend for contractors willing to pay the price. The Scartino comes with spicy mustard and the Highter comes with green ketchup.

Buns can be purchased at an additional cost. Need to make money somewhere.

Extras and options for every taste

For those vegetarians out there, I’ll have once a week my Pro Notary More sandwich made with a unique blend of vegetables I personally grow on land that was foreclosed upon by the previous owners.

Don’t forget my Irish delight called the MacGwier hoagie that comes with a Twinkie.

I’ll even have available an old family recipe, the Bon Bon turkey special.

For those in law enforcement, I highly recommend the Pickled Olivario chicken sandwich that is loaded with extras. I take care of my customers with this sandwich.

I’ll also have a special for the kids.

The Schooch would be peanut butter and grape jelly with a small container of apple sauce, two cookies and a juice box.

My Brewlo sandwich is the same as the Schooch, only with strawberry jelly.

Purchase any of the kid’s specials and receive a pair of toy plastic handcuffs.

Anyone purchasing a sandwich special and making a donation to any child development program will receive a free Miracle pickle.

Don’t forget to pick up your antacids that are free with the purchase of a sandwich special.

Non-special food items I’ll have on the menu include the Phannesmidt German Sausage, which is only served at 5 p.m., the Karolson steak and Tubbie beer flavored fish.

For those watching their diet, I’ll have the Chester spinach salad and a Mustoic carrot sandwich that I highly recommend.

Cash purchases, please. I can’t accept debit cards.

About the Author

Ed Lewis covers police news for the Times Leader. Reach him at elewis@timesleader.com.

Ed Lewis covers police for The Times Leader. A graduate of Hanover Area, he earned a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice from King’s College where he also minored in political science. He interned for Congressman Paul E. Kanjorski in Washington, D.C., while in college, and formerly was an assignment editor and managing editor before finding his niche covering the very busy police beat. His hobbies include lifting weights, kickboxing, reading, carpentry, gardening, model trains and sports, especially football.

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