The monumental day has arrived – we are depositing my diva/daughter at her new digs, firmly ensconced within the very high (and not easily visible by my high-powered binoculars) walls of Penn State University.

She’s been packed and ready for roughly four months now but has added so many items to her ‘must have’ list that I truly think she plans to fill the car to overflowing with these extraneous essentials and have me run along behind it. When I mentioned I may not fit in the car, she replied with one eyebrow raised, “Would that really be so bad, Maria? Really?”

She reluctantly acquiesced and decided to unpack four DVDs and a pair of flip flops. Now there’s room for my tranquilizers, but not much else.

Arriving at Penn State, I immediately began re-living my past life there with each passing collegiate block.

My daughter informed me that if I said: “Back when I was here…” one more time she would open up the door and walk the 14 blocks to her dorm room with her computer, highlighters and twin size, extra long comforter strapped to her back while balancing her desk lamp and shower caddy on her head. “If you want to talk about your experiences here so much, why don’t you just write a letter to yourself?” she said. “You are the only one who’s listening, anyway!”

Well … that would just be so silly. Wouldn’t it?

But if I did write a letter to myself, it would’ve been helpful to have had it in my na�ve little hands prior to attending college. My missive may have contained the following tidbits:

Dear 18-year-old Maria:

I’m writing to you today as your adult self. Perhaps between the both of us, we can eradicate all the stupid mistakes you made in your young life, as well as rejoice in the fabulousity you’ve also experienced, although to a much lesser degree.

First, in college, be prepared to be second or even third rate. Just because you were a semi-smart girl in your very small class at Wyoming Area High School does not mean you will continue to be the brightest student, in say, Economics 101. In fact, you’ll want to put a little money aside for a tutor. Trust me.

Also – with no parental supervision, I realize that the temptations are endless and alluring. Cease and desist! I beg of you. The damage you do to your liver and fragile stomach lining will follow you well into middle age. Remember – Canadian Club may be a bar in Toronto, but it is not a friend when served over ice with a 7-up accompaniment in a very, very large glass with a straw.

Refrain from experimenting with stirrup pants and both new haircuts and colors in college. Whoever told you to shave one side of your head and dye it black in 1983 must have hated you very, very much.

When it comes to over-eating, I don’t know what to tell you. I still can’t figure out the solution to ingesting sticky buns, Hot Tamales and Cheez Wiz at three o’clock in the morning. The only difference is that now I follow up each appetizer with a shot glass of Mylanta.

You can really be whoever you want to be in college. If you were a nerd in high school, you might want to reinvent yourself in college!

For instance, no one wears both straps of their backpack on both shoulders at once! Who told you to do that? It’s only one shoulder! The two shouldered technique is employed by those students sporting a pocket protector, bow tie and a calculator in their back pocket.

Take as few 8:00 a.m. classes as are scholastically possible. These classes were developed by a roomful of sadistic professors who are insomniacs and probably wore their backpack straps on both shoulders. If you must take these stupid classes, I strongly suggest staying out all night and don’t go to bed. It’s just an easier circle of life to upkeep.

Sororities are simply the college version of the toxic high school clique. Run, do not walk, away from anyone asking you to pledge Delta Sigma Blah Blah.

Fraternities, on the other hand, are enjoyable. You don’t have to do anything upon arriving other than pay a small refreshment fee. Nothing demoralizing nor dehumanizing will happen to you at a fraternity.

Oh … wait … well, never mind. Stay away from fraternities, as well.

Well, Maria, the most important thing you will learn in college is that it is essential not to screw around and waste all that money that will take you until the age of 37 to pay back to some bank somewhere.

However, I will say, while it is of course important to get decent grades, it is not imperative to give yourself a bleeding ulcer trying to achieve the same GPA you enjoyed in your youth. College is first about training your mind for your future but I think equally important is pretty much having the best damn time of your life, as well.

College is your chance to drink out of the well of fun and frivolity, with a side order of academics. You will never have as much fun as you do at college.

Your friend,

Boring Adult Maria

PS: To my daughter: This all applies to you as well. Except for anything referring to underage drinking and staying out all night. You’re on your own with the stirrup pants, too.

About the Author

Maria Heck covers for the Times Leader. Reach her at or .

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