Haley Taffera

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Expensive Eighteen

Sunday October 25, 2009 | 01:00 AM

Haley Taffera

In less than two months, my beau and I will have been together for four years. In that time, we have attended 18 weddings. Yes, you read that right; I said 18 weddings in four years.

God love me for two reasons:

1.) For putting up with my beau for that long and not having caused him any bodily harm and,

2.) For not filing bankruptcy after having spent so much money on attending such a ludicrous number of weddings in a ridiculously short amount of time.

Most of the weddings were for college friends with some family thrown in there, and the majority was of course out of town because that’s just my luck. So, factor in gas money for traveling, money for a hotel room, money towards a gift, and, on a few of these occasions, money for a new dress and suit.

There were also additional costs when you consider that both my beau and I were in two of the 18 weddings apiece, so you’re looking at bridesmaid dresses, tuxedos, money towards bridal showers and bachelorette and bachelor parties.

Seriously, I’m broke!

For the love of God, what’s with people wanting to spend the rest of their lives together?!

That crap is for the birds… and the bees.

In all honesty I love a happy ending and a good time, and since I’m already dwelling on my lack of funds and surplus of wedding favors, I thought I would share with you some of my favorite memories from the Expensive Eighteen.

Wedding one was for my cousin Meghan and her husband Shawn. It was an all around good time to hang out with my dad’s side of the family and to cut a rug with my brother Eric. Granted, he wasn’t hula-hooping his vest around his neck at this wedding (he did that at my sister Christy’s wedding a few years back), but he still had some pretty hilarious moves.

Wedding two was for my beau’s friend Megan and her husband Patrick. There was so much food, so much wine, and so much dancing involved, that I’m surprised I was able to move the next day. We walked away with a pretty hilarious story or two involving my beau, one of which included his risqu� dance with the mother-of-the-bride.

Wedding three was for my best friend Samantha and her husband Mike. Sam’s brother, also named Mike, was paired with me for our walk down the aisle and twirl around the dance floor. He kept me laughing all day and night, even when I turned into a giant hive from receiving one too many bug bites while getting our pictures taken on the courthouse lawn.

Wedding six was for mutual friends of ours who, unfortunately, are no longer together. But, they knew how to throw one hell of a reception while it lasted. Now, I am in no way shape or form a fan of the bouquet and garter toss but, because I was trying to be a good sport for my friends, I went out on the floor anyways and at least pretended to partake in the event.

Well, pretending wasn’t necessary because the damn flowers landed in front of me and, due to proximity, became mine. A close friend caught the garter and proceeded to basically do a strip tease routine towards me. Needless to say, what is already an embarrassing tradition become mortifying for yours truly. My cheeks were flushed, I was close to tears from humiliation and laughter, and I was slightly violated by a young man who was not my boyfriend. Awkward.

Wedding ten was for my beau’s friend Joe and his wife. They had a winter themed wedding with twinkle lights and Christmas trees. It was an all around beautiful event, but what really put this particular wedding into my list of favorites was the dessert. I’m not talking about just some fancy cake, people, which there was, a HUGE cake, but there was also chocolate fountains with strawberries, bananas, and marshmallows, and a canolli table AND a pastry table. There was dessert aplenty at this shindig and that memory alone will get me through many a dark night.

Wedding 14 was for my aunt Maria and her husband Rich. My cousin Anthony was my escort and, it must be said, we had an AWESOME routine for our entrance into the reception hall. It was a little kick, twirl, lift number that got us one serious round of applause. OH! And, I authored and read a speech for the happy couple that I do believe made some cry.

Wedding 16 was for our friends Rich and Jess. I can honestly say that I have never seen a prettier bride than Jess. She glowed and she wowed the entire night. The best memory from there, however, included a game of imaginary jump rope on the dance floor with all of the college friends.

Wedding 17 was for my beau’s cousin Carolyn and her husband James. My beau’s mother Theresa and cousin Valerie reenacted a scene from Mortal Combat while battling for the boutique. Theresa caught it fair and square, but Valerie attacked anyways. There was kicking and arms flailing from Valerie, and hip checks and shoulder roles from Theresa, all for the entertainment of attendees.

Valerie put up a good fight, but Theresa walked away victorious as she was obviously the more skilled and experience combatant. And then, she threw the damn boutique at me and ran away; all a part of her wicked scheme, I’m sure. At least my beau caught the garter this time, but I was still red from embarrassment. Wedding 18 was yesterday, October 24. And, much like all of the others, it was beautiful, joyous, and wonderful to witness such love and commitment. Sure, the beau and I are dead tired from the travel, dancing, and reaching down deep into our pockets for more cash, but we’re happy that we were able to be present for our loved ones on their special day.

Now, can enough finally be enough for now?! All of this lovey-dovey nonsense needs to go hiatus for a while, at least until wedding 19 rolls around…