Haley Taffera

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Lions and tigers and bears

Sunday April 12, 2009 | 01:00 AM

Haley Taffera

Oh my.

Tomorrow I may very well be embarking on the final frontier. And I don’t mean with Captain Kirk and Spock. I am going to the Philadelphia Zoo.

I know. How ever did I find the time to actually do something ENJOYABLE and FOR MYSELF?

Well, as you know, ‘tis a holiday today celebrating the sweet baby Jesus, now all grown up and manly, being resurrected and our celebrations extend into tomorrow, Easter Monday. So, I am going to use my celebration time to not only enjoy my family, but to also bask in the glory of this world’s living creatures.

I shall be Norah, not to be confused with Noah, and will befriend all animals, great and small.

Not including, however, snakes, rodents, bats, or spiders. Sorry, God. But there’s an exception to every rule.

I’ m really excited. I can barely remember the last time I was at the Philadelphia Zoo, let alone any zoo, which is surprising given how much I adore animals. Especially elephants! (I can’t even explain how much I adore these gigantic, graceful creatures.)

And lions and tigers (Here kitty, kitty, kitty – purrrr).

And bears (Look how cute and cuddly the teddy is!).

And hippos! (I so don’t feel fat anymore.)

And monkeys. (Well, maybe not so much monkeys anymore after all of the horror stories regarding chimp and monkey attacks, but last time I checked there were metal bars at the zoo so I’ll let this one slide.)

But again, no rodents, reptiles, or anything with more than four legs. That’s just plain creepy.

Come to mention it, I do believe the last time I was at the Philadelphia Zoo it rained. More or less down poured.

All of the animals were loving life because it finally got all of the gawking spectators away from them, but we were running for cover while wearing garbage bags for protection from Mother Nature. Nasty witch.

So, I’m hoping for better weather. Especially since we are taking my nephew/godson, Zachary.

He’s four, going on five, and I’m about 99.999% sure that he would be none to tolerant of rain or a botched visit to America’s first zoo. That’s right, boys and girls, the Philly Zoo was the first of its kind in the US of A and currently celebrating its 150th anniversary.

Yeah. So what? I visited the website. Like I said, I’M EXCITED!

Did you know that there is zoo etiquette? Well, there is. One of the etiquette pointers being that animals have feelings too so there should be no taping or banging on exhibit glass.

Really now, how many children, and adults, do you know who actually resist sending Morse code signals on glass windows at places like, for instance, ZOOS?

I, for one, do not know many. Especially four, going on five year-old little boys (Not naming any names, ZACHARY). I might as well throw my beau into that category as well seeing as he’s coming along.

Oh who am I kidding? I’m going to act like a giddy school girl as soon as I see a polar bear. Tap. Tap. Tap. Who’s a cuddly teddy?! You!

Oh! Since I can’t convince the beau to get a dog … not yet anyways …, maybe he’ll compromise and settle on a puma, or a red panda!

Or maybe not.

Anyways, I’ve been practicing my firm-yet-polite tactic of denial (Originated from Frauline Maria. You know. The hills are alive …).

I think it is extremely important to be well skilled in the art of negotiation and prepared for any scenario.

Scenarios such as, “No, Zachary, you may not pull the cheetah’s tail.

Let’s go buy a ridiculously over-priced stuffed animal at the souvenir shop instead that you will end up running over in the dirt with your bicycle. No, beau, you may not throw my sister Noelle into the baboon pit. Let’s abandon her near this HUGE pile of elephant manure instead. That’ll teach her.”

All jokes aside, however, I really am excited to go. I love animals and am truly fascinated by all of their mystery and wonder. The closest I ever get to wildlife is the Discovery Channel or the nasty rodents, a.k.a. squirrels, that rummage through my garbage cans.

I can’t wait to see, weather and time of day permitting, a beautiful giraffe extend its long neck up, up, and up to a tree to nibble on the leaves that spring has brung.

Or a fierce lion shake its mane and lick its massive paws. Or a giant otter swim lazily underwater.

I will feel privileged to witness and visit with some of the world’s most phenomenal creatures and take as many pictures as possible so as to revisit them and that feeling of awe and amazement.

And then I will rub a jaguar’s belly until it purrs with satisfaction, snuggle with an Andean bear until it gently licks my face, and ride bareback on an elephant until … well … maybe I’ll just buy one of those stuffed animals at the conveniently located shop near the exit.

I’m really not much of a frontier kinda gal, you know. Too many bats and spiders…

Haley Taffera’s column appears every other week.