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David Parmelee
Thursday, January 27, 2000 Page: 11A
HOW COULD I have suspected three years ago, when I began to write for the
Times Leader about “local issues from a conservative point of view,” that I
would one day address the subject of toilets?
Forgive me. You may be eating breakfast. If so, perhaps this column is
best left for another time. Rest assured that the topic is important. A wise
man once observed that people would rather vote their interests than their
principles: Few interests are more vital than this.
The United States government has managed to ruin our toilets.
The saga begins in 1992 with the passage of the Energy and Policy Act.
Stealthily concealed within the bill was a little-noticed provision
restricting, among other things, water consumption by toilets and shower
heads. Specifically, it reduced the amount of water used in commodes from
about 3 gallons to just 1.6 gallons per flush. Environmentalists have urged us
to put a brick in our toilet tanks for decades. The bill effectively dropped
in two or three bricks by federal law.
We’ll assume that the drafters of the bill were motivated solely by a
laudable desire to conserve water. What they never bothered to determine was
whether the reduced-capacity device would work.
Here is the answer, direct from a consumer who owns not one but two such
toilets: It does not. Though Congress can regulate the behavior of people, it
has no authority over the properties of water; 1.6 gallons will not do what a
toilet is frequently called upon to do.
Trust me on this. I will spare you the sordid details, which include
mortified houseguests, bewildered toddlers and no small amount of profanity
from a man who should have more self-control.
Venerable names in the U.S. plumbing fixture trade such as Kohler and
American Standard are forced to manufacture products that do not fulfill their
intended purpose. Plumbing distributors and retailers must sell them, and
contractors must install them. It’s fraud pure and simple, and it makes people
irate.
The only alternative is the vacuum-boosted toilet, a far more expensive
fixture that packs a sonic punch on a par with an F-14 Tomcat on full
afterburner. Not wanting the entire household to be roused when someone
answered nature’s call during the night, we chose traditional gravity-fed
toilets. Nobody pointed out that the new ones were just plain worthless.
My plumber, a trusted family friend whom we’ll call W.D. (EPA enforcers
would love to know his identity, but I’m not talking) was able to tweak the
performance of one toilet by diddling with its entrails, but the improvement
was slight.
The whole enterprise is a disaster. Those of you whose homes are not graced
by a post-1994 1.6 gallons per flush fixture cannot begin to sympathize. Some
people have made toilet-buying expeditions to Mexico or Canada, where
functional toilets may still be sold freely. Ironically, they are made in
America by American companies, in the same factories as the good-for-nothing
products our government forces us to buy.
One can only imagine the nervous gringo attempting to cross the border a la
Midnight Express with his illicit cargo, hoping against hope that the
suspicious guard will not peer inside the bulky cardboard carton in his
sport-utility vehicle.
Actually, it’s legal to bring a toilet back from another country. It’s just
preposterous that we have to.
Hope is not lost. Joe Knollenberg, a crusading Michigan congressman, has
sponsored HR 623, the Plumbing Standards Improvement Act. It’s a very short
bill that eliminates “these ridiculous mandates” and “allows the plumbing
manufacturers to make a product that the American people want to buy,” in the
congressman’s words Knollenberg’s legislative track rec ord is extensive.
Normally he deals with weightier matters, but he wasn’t afraid to tackle a
subject that provokes a few laughs to save millions of people major
inconvenience.
Hearings were held last July. During a heat-induced insomnia, I happened to
catch them on C-SPAN about 2 a.m. A parade of angry consumers and frustrated
plumbers vented to the House Commerce committee. Democratic members, most of
whom had never met a federal regulation they didn’t like, were at a loss for
words as plumbing professionals briefed them on waste-disposal physics and the
arrogance of trying to regulate it.
Though the bill has attracted 98 cosponsors, it has made no prog ress
since. That’s not surprising. Just as taxes don’t come down once they’ve gone
up, silly restrictions rarely go away once they’re in place.
I’m still hoping for some relief.
David Parmelee is a partner and co-founder of RSA/Fox Automotive, a
Mountaintop sales consulting firm. His column appears on alternate Thursdays
and is available online at www.leader.net