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John Quigley
Sunday, January 30, 2000 Page: 5A
REGIS: Welcome to another episode of America’s favorite game show, “Who
Wants to Be A Millionaire.” I’m your host, Regis Filibuster, and in case
you’re just tuning in for the first time, boy! What excitement you missed! Our
last contestant, Michael Marsicano, made television history by playing the
game backwards! He started with a million dollars, and managed to get himself
a half million in the hole by refusing to answer any questions!
He was just about to go a million in the red when he demanded another
lifeline and polled the studio audience, and they threw him out of the game!
Wow!
Tonight, we’re meeting our next contestant, Lou Barletta. We’ve just given
him some exciting news! He has to win back all the money our last contestant
lost before he can win any of his own! Isn’t that something! Lou, are you
ready to play “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”?
LOU: I guess I have to.
REGIS: Let’s go! For $1,000, how many functioning pieces of equipment does
the Hazleton Department of Public Works own?
LOU: Ha, ha … a lot less than we need …
REGIS: You’ve won a thousand dollars! For 2,000, how many men are there in
that same Public Works Department?
LOU: Boy, I could say the same thing – a lot less than we need …
REGIS: Right again! You’ve won $2,000! For $4,000, name a municipal
government that’s better prepared for a snowstorm than Hazleton.
LOU: Gee, that could be any one …
REGIS: He’s done it! You’ve won $4,000! Way to go, Lou! Now for 8,000
smackers, Lou, what’s the cost of the salary and benefit increases granted in
city of Hazleton labor contracts since 1996?
LOU: Wow, Regis. Nobody really knows…
REGIS: You’ve won $8,000! Amazing! Just six questions away from getting out
of the hole. For $16,000, what do COPS grants, like the ones Hazleton used to
beef up its police force, have in common with milk cartons?
LOU: They both have expiration dates?
REGIS: He’s right! Yes, indeed they do! And both can turn sour in a hurry,
can’t they! You’ve won $16,000! Way to go! Isn’t this exciting? For $32,000,
what information that City Council is entitled to receive has it NOT received
in four years?
LOU: Man, that’s really everything …
REGIS: He’s right again! You’ve got $32,000! Whew! You need a breather,
Lou?
LOU: It’s only been three weeks, Regis, but I feel like I do.
REGIS: Sorry! We have a Feb. 15 deadline, fella. We’ve got to keep going!
For $64,000, why is an egg like a labor contract?
LOU: Well … you can’t break either one without making a mess?
REGIS: He’s done it! $64,000! You’re on a roll! Only three questions away
from a million, and only two more till you’re out of the hole. Boy, is this
exciting! I’m on the edge of my seat here!
This question is worth a 125,000 dollars. I know you’re a baseball fan,
Lou. Now don’t strike out on this one! Ha, Ha! Use a baseball term to describe
the act of balancing a budget while facing unpaid bills and a million dollars
in new pension costs.
LOU: A suicide squeeze?
REGIS: You’ve done it! $125,000! Wow! Phenomenal! The next question is
worth a half a million dollars! Get this right and you’re out of the hole! Not
to put any pressure on you, right? Who am I kidding, huh? OK! What’s a
realistic budget for the City of Hazleton?
LOU: Gee, Regis, I thought you already asked me the $64,000 question.
REGIS: Hey, cut that out! I’m the funny one around here, Lou! You’re just
the contestant! Gimme a break here, willya! I need an answer!
LOU: It’s just that we haven’t seen a realistic budget in four years …
REGIS: Hold it, Lou! We’re out of time! Can you believe it? How much more
exciting can you get? Tune in next time to see if Lou can get out of the hole
on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”!!!
John Quigley was Hazleton mayor from 1988 through 1995. He is an accounting
manager at Wise Foods in Berwick.