Tell Giselle: No need to fret of funeral decision

The past couple of years turned the klieg lights onto the complexity of holding funerals during this unique period.

These rituals have held particular challenges for many people even without this pandemic. A query regarding the obligations and pressures under difficult circumstances brings an opportunity to look afresh at how we can best meet the emotional needs of our loved ones while we tend to our own tender heart and health concerns:

Someone I dearly loved passed away.

She was like an older sister to me, a cheerleader, a loving and fun friend. Because of the coronavirus, I had decided I could not make the trip for the funeral. I have lingering doubts as to whether or not that was really the right choice.

I don’t obsess about my decision, but I would be lying if I did not say I vacillate on whether or not I may have made a mistake. But it’s hard for me to know for sure.

I wonder how much longer I’ll be carrying these mixed feelings. It also makes me unsure about what I will decide should another loved one die and I’m again looking at the choice of whether or not to make a trip for a memorial service.

Any guidance is appreciated.

G: You have established you had a marvelous relationship with her, so it is a pretty certain bet that she knew well before she died that you would be in attendance for her life celebration if it were truly safe and possible for you to be there.

Unconditionally loving relationships such as what you describe do not place judgments and cause needless hurt, so take this to heart and do not judge yourself harshly for a decision you made with the best of intentions under a very distressing circumstance.

You are correct in that each time a funeral presents itself to us we have to evaluate so many factors. Any outbreak, even a “regular” flu season that takes the lives of anywhere between 40 and 60 thousand lives, is not to be dismissed lightly. My bias is this: My devoutly religious grandmother Anna, who was in a lovely assisted living facility about 1,700 miles from me, said more than once that she did not want me to wait for her funeral to come see her; that she wanted me to visit her when she was alive. She was insistent that it would mean nothing to her when she was dead, and everything to her to be with me when we could share a meal, hug each other and share stories.

As to how long this lingering mixed feeling you have will continue … remember you are still in the process of grieving your loss. There is no expiration date, so to speak, on the ache of missing a loved one. Be as kind to yourself as you can be during this period of heightened sensitivities.

In my playbook there is nothing “wrong” about your decision to protect your health, and any future decision you are to face is just that, a hypothetical future. Focus on living fully today with all your circle of loved ones, and the choice — should you be presented with another funeral — will become clear whenever it is time to decide. No need to ponder that What Then, now.

Christmas gift giving

I’ve begun thinking about shopping for Christmas.

I have a small list of people I feel I must give a present to, but these are family and friends I actually want to buy something for. They are not a problem for me.

I have another short list of people that I really don’t want to spend any money on this year, as I frequently get a gift from them that bugs me. Some are from family, some are good friends and that’s what makes it tough.

From them, for example, I get stuff that’s either not my taste, I don’t need it or it may come late and then I wonder if it was just their “regift gift” that they didn’t want. My feeling is that of meh when I am about to open something from “that” list.

Any suggestion for a way to override my Scrooge tendencies with those who I do sincerely care about but I don’t feel have made an equal investment or effort in holiday gifts?

G: Gift giving does not have to be as laden with obligation and over-thinking as many may experience at holidays, and this also includes birthdays and anniversaries.

Like many of us, you have what I will call the A list and the B list.

For your B list, consider not buying an actual gift for any of them this year. Instead, you can send a holiday card that arrives a few days before Christmas (you will have to mail early) with a note that says something to the effect of: “This year with so many in need I decided I wanted to change how I do my holiday gift giving. I have donated (you do not need to include the amount) to X charity in your name. I hope this warms your heart as it does mine and those who will receive the donation in your honor.”

Keep your receipts as many charities qualify for a tax deduction benefit. Whatever gifts you get from the “B” list, you can easily donate to any appropriate social service organization that is in your neighborhood. As you do that, just realize each time you get a less than “perfect” gift, that not everyone is as talented as you at gift giving (or as wise to have cultivated a generous heart).

Now, as to suggestions for those charities for your “B” list, consider these worthy organizations that you can help at any time of the year, holiday or no holiday: Your local children’s hospital; your local food bank or your local grocery store where they have large collection bins at the register for donated food; your local animal shelter that is always grateful to receive food and cleaning supplies. You might call them to see what they need now or else go online to their website where they may already have a preferred/most needed items list; Doctors Without Borders, an international organization providing medical assistance where it is urgently needed www.doctorswithoutborders.org; The Red Cross, helps in emergencies www.redcross.org ; The National Alliance on Mental Illness, a grassroots organization that helps people with mental illness and their families www.nami.org; your local fire and police station; magazine or newspaper subscriptions to your local nursing home or school (you can call and ask the manager or school principle for their preferred titles).

Another worthy charity to look into is through your local schools. They partner with volunteer organizations who provide backpacks filled with food for children who are in need, to help them get through each weekend less hungry.

The beauty of Scrooge is knowing there is often a much greater need then our own out there, and stepping up to fill it can turn a Bah! Humbug! into a humdinger holiday.