What’s the expiration date on saving and storing items for a friend?

This question regarding an offer to hold baby items for someone’s “future” family can be applied to many loaned/borrowed/stored circumstances that have nothing to do with infant needs:

Several months after I became a mom, a girlfriend I’ve known since middle school asked me if I would save the baby supplies that I no longer needed so that she and her husband, who were hoping to have a baby, would benefit from my largesse.

I happily said yes, thrilled to know the items would be going to such a great couple. That was not quite two years ago. They still have not succeeded in having a baby, and have suffered two miscarriages.

Since then, a few of my other friends and colleagues became parents. To them I have given away a considerable amount of clothing, toys and some expensive rockers and swings, but not everything as I was still saving some things for my girlfriend. That was my thinking up until yesterday. That is when I chose to clear out all of the remaining held items as they were taking up considerable space and I had another new mom to help. I donated many big and small items, such as designer baby bottles, car seats and a play table.

In discussing this with a family member I was presented with their concern about my girlfriend, who may or may not be thinking I have saved all of these things for her. Should I have notified my girlfriend that I no longer have any of the infant/wee toddler items as I gave them away to other new parents, or do you think by bringing up this topic, assuming they are still struggling with infertility, that it would just cause them pain?

G: Clearly you are trying to help as many people as possible, and not cause any hurt to your friend, who may or may not be pregnant as you are reading this. Over the months there were ample opportunities for your girlfriend to check in with you, to let you know she still needs or wants your baby items, and for you to check in with her to see how she is faring with her pregnancy goal, without it being awkward.

I can see after nearly two years of holding on to items and not knowing where she is in that fertility journey, it could now seem like a particularly sensitive topic to bring up. Still, the reality is you had agreed to keep items, but since neither of you put a date stamp on it, there likely is no reasonable expectation on your girlfriend’s part that it would be for infinity.

I think the considerate thing to do now would be to text, email or call your girlfriend to check in with her, and let her know you have had other friends and colleagues over the months who needed your supplies, and that you felt she deserved an update. Perhaps with you reaching out she will decide to fill you in on her fertility process, with some positive news we hope!

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Booze limits are the host’s prerogative

This past year I cut back on my alcohol consumption and feel so much better. I am giving a New Year’s Eve party and plan to mail out invitations soon. I am only inviting friends and colleagues who I am confident are not going to infect me with SARS-CoV-2. Some of the guests I intend to invite drink alcohol, to excess. I do not want to upset anyone, but I really want to avoid any awkward moment should their drinking exceed safe limits. Do you think I should let those guests know I am putting a limit on the number of alcoholic beverages each person may have so these boozers can decide whether or not they want to come?

G: My answer is based on the assumption that some of the guests on your list you have most concern about, you believe absolutely must be invited, or else are not easily/comfortably not invited as it could jeopardize a relationship or some understanding. Like a difficult/unpleasant employer or boss not being invited to a company party. Awkward.

There are those who host parties who have certain expectations for the event, and will include a dress code. For example: black tie, business casual, costume, etc. There are those who host parties and give indication that it is a sit-down meal, or happy hour with heavy hors d’oeuvres. Many business functions and weddings offer drink tickets, which limit the attendees to only two beverages.

I am not suggesting you send out drink tickets with your invitation; I mention this only to indicate that there are reasonable measures that are taken to control a crowd or minimize embarrassments. Your invitation is your best opportunity to set clear expectations and ground rules. It is perfectly acceptable for you to include in all of your invitations for this event that you have decided to put a cap on the amount of alcohol being served, this way everyone gets to decide if this is the New Year’s Eve party that works for them. You get to determine — and it may be based on the number of hours you are hosting and/or your budget — just how many alcoholic drinks you want to provide.

Should your heavy-drinking guests choose to attend and you become uncomfortable with their consumption, step up and be the responsible host to address your concern with as much kindness and tact as you can muster, and then make sure they have either a designated driver or car service to get home safely, or else they get to crash at your place for the night.

My experience with New Year’s Eve parties has been most hosts either don’t want or need to control the event to a level of micromanaging, or they trust that the group they invite are mature enough to be self-regulating. Sounds to me you have had enough prior experience to know that if you do not put a governor, so-to-speak, on the flow of alcohol with some in your circle that you likely will be distracted and/or concerned to the point where you may not have a good time. Unlike Leslie Gore’s pop song, there’s no point starting a new year crying at your own party.