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A time conflict for a decision posed a conundrum and a question for a professional in his late thirties: How long should I put off telling the first company that made me a job offer whether or not I will accept their offer, as I am still waiting for a decision from my preferred, and hopefully future, employer?
G: Ahhh how lovely it is to be wanted, especially when between jobs. It is not unlike being courted by two or more romantic partners, if you’ve ever had the luxury of that situation. Eventually you must decide or a choice will be made for you.
The uncertainty of not knowing whether or not you will even be receiving a second offer from your preferred job is understandably unsettling. You do not want to miss an opportunity that you would love to have, but it is not a given.
If the job you have been offered is not the best match for you in terms of work satisfaction, location and compensation package, not accepting it should be a bit easier. As long as you are not in any desperate financial situation or need, I find it optimal to hold out until you can secure the more ideal position that suits your preferences — whether it be at the second firm you are waiting to hear from or else from some other firm that may not even be on your radar screen.
A number of years ago I counseled someone (let’s call him Alan) who was distressed by his brother (let’s call him Jimmy). Alan had learned that his brother Jimmy had taken a job that Jimmy knew — before he started it — was not exactly what he wanted. What was distressing Alan was that Jimmy had already applied to another company. Within months of taking the job Jimmy was offered the position he wanted at the competitor firm. In my spiritual playbook, I told Alan, this is a violation of the rule “do not do to someone that which you do not want done to you”.
In this example, jumping employers after only a few months was a deception on Jimmy’s part, as Jimmy had taken the job under false pretenses. It also disrespects the hiring process that Jimmy had put his first employer through, and discounts the negative impact it would have on that company as it would set them back many months by having to restart the hiring process and then training a new employee to bring them up to speed.
It is not just making the correct choice; it is about how you do it that can make or break a career, a personal relationship, or that may violate a spiritual tenant requiring atonement.
Learn the lesson early in your professional life: If you choose as wisely as you can, and practice patience with perseverance and kindness, the odds of you landing the important life’s work you were meant to do are greatly increased.
A lesson in the art of restraint
This recent email from a Times Leader reader is a tiny sample of my experience being the recipient of comments about my looks. Her comments provide an opportunity for others to learn the spiritual value of seeing beyond the surface:
I saw some complimentary photos of you on line … However, the photo in the Times Leader was not, and I would not ask a question with that pose.
G: As a young girl I recall being taught in school not to judge a book by its cover. As an avid reader it took many years for me to resist the urge to do just that, so I understand why some people just never quite master the art of self-control. It can seem impossible to achieve because often our impulse seems like just a natural gut reaction whenever we see something that we do not understand, or disapprove of or dislike — whether it be, for example, how a person styles their hair, what fashion they adorn themselves with, the way they pose in pictures or even their regional accent. Consider all of those as examples of the “cover.”
This is unfortunate as the value in that grade school lesson goes so far beyond actual books that it might just be one of those particularly essential spiritual lessons: seek not to trust that impulse to judge or criticize prematurely, rather seek first to understand.
I would venture a guess that most people have experienced at least a few occasions when they received unsolicited comments about their appearance that were awkward, perhaps even off putting by family, friends, colleagues and even strangers. I am talking about times other than when someone well intentioned makes an assumption of pregnancy in a woman with a bulging torso, and then asks: “So when is the baby due?”
Comments about my appearance has been my lifelong reality. Even with modeling experience, it always has struck me as peculiar that so many people are invested in what I look like, enough so for them to think that it is important that I know their opinion, when I have not inquired.
What I know to be true is something my wise father taught me years ago: Sometimes it is best not to say anything.
I have applied this lesson in many public and private situations where I have felt the urge to express my opinion, only to realize that by restraining myself I would actually not only increase my inner peace, I would succeed in doing no harm.
This lesson of not saying anything at certain times, of course, only applies to those situations that are not life threatening or dangerous.
For those who have been following my writing, it may be easier to see that the photo the Times Leader enthusiastically accepted to accompany my advice column Tell Giselle is an accurate reflection of my particular orientation toward life. An orientation that, despite living the truth that every human suffers challenges of enormous loss, pain and confusion, there exists the possibility that an expression of happiness, laughter and gratitude exists.
This particular photo by photographer Nicholas Thon happens to capture the essence of the blue bird that permanently perched, since childhood, on my shoulder. At 65 I am grateful to be able to offer its spirit of joy to those who do the work of peacemaking through compassion, forgiveness and seeing beauty in all.
It appears to me this reader found enough value in my advice that she wants to tell me something. Why let a pose get in the way? As my father would say, “Get on with it” and ask me your question.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info go to www.gisellemassi.com