Tell Giselle: End of year giving for whose benefit

My tax person told me I should declare the charitable donations I made to Goodwill so that I can reap the tax benefit. I am concerned that any donations that I itemize on my taxes will increase the risk of being audited. Do you know if this is a real issue to be worried about?

G: Being careful with your tax preparation is the sensible concern, but there are greater concerns than an audit for why a person may not choose to declare charitable donations to gain a tax benefit, i.e., a reduction in the total dollars one is required to pay.

But first, let’s address any audit concern. It is true that certain deductions may increase the likelihood of being audited, but these are of a particular size and category. Your tax preparer should be able to provide you with a list of these potential triggers. Some of these factors include: taking many charitable deductions, showing big changes in income, claiming a home office deduction or too many business deductions.

There is a provision in the current Biden administration proposal to increase enforcement by the Internal Revenue Service which would bring a stronger effort to catch tax cheats. As always, it is up to you to file appropriate tax forms in a timely manner and minimize any likelihood of any audit, whether one considers it unfair or a burden.

As to the greater concern about taking a tax benefit with charitable donations, one only has to look at the practice in Judaism that elevates anonymous donations of charity above all other types of giving. This esteemed level of giving means that when one offers charity, it is done without any personal benefit of any kind, including needing or wanting acknowledgment from the actual recipient or community that learns of the charitable gesture. The distinction is that other types of giving may place a burden of obligation on the recipient, create an embarrassment or sense of shame, or are done for the benefit of one’s ego or status, that are more self-serving than what the recipient experiences.

Your tax person, like the competent one I have relied upon, may tell you that if you do declare the charitable donation on your tax return, you will then be able to have additional money to use for even more charity. This is factually true, but I rejected that astute consideration as I personally feel best whenever I offer a gift of charity without any direct monetary gain for myself. Others may think that is materially foolish, but there are choices I make that have nothing to do with my financial gain and everything to do with the spiritual intention of my actions.

No matter what you decide to do with your tax return, I applaud your awareness of the needs of others less fortunate than you, and encourage donations to reputable charities year-round.

Social media opens up a can of worms

A query involving media coverage of political events and social platforms presents the possibility our relationships are way more fragile than we realize:

Not long ago through social media I found out that a good friend of mine has strong political views that are so far opposite of mine I find it increasingly affecting how I feel about him. He had reposted a news article that has turned my head and heart around. This felt like I was being asked to look inside his medicine cabinet and, from the looks of what was on the shelf, I was realizing he had a problem I did not want to even know about. And now that I do know, I can’t undo it. What are we to do with people in our lives who we have a long history with, but no longer feel like we care as much about them as we once did?

G: All relationships, including friendships, will naturally morph over time as change is a constant. Many will just fade and die from what seems like the slow death of progressive incompatibility. It is important to accept that it takes more than desire to keep a relationship alive and growing.

First and foremost, it takes a commitment to yourself to be honest about what you seek and actually get from all of your relationships. How much of the assessment is unsettling to your peace of mind and overall well-being will ultimately shape any response or action you take.

My suggestion is to first look at the particular views you hold carefully that are in conflict with this person. Be certain you have arrived at them with the best information possible, including your personal experiences. Consider presenting to your friend your views and how you are feeling now that you know about this chasm, but do this with the clear message that you want to know if they are willing to divulge how and why they came to hold their political views.

If that seems too uncomfortable, or you already believe a conversation like that would not go well, then the next step is to make the decision to put some space between the two of you. Put a date stamp on it in your mind, of a space of time long enough for you to see how much of a loss you would feel if this person were no longer in your preferred circle.

Time is currency in that we choose how we want to spend it. Much like a bank account, it is wise to make big deposits in those that align with your goal of personal interest and quality of intimacy, and to make any withdrawals with full awareness that your relationship accounts are to work for a mutual benefit.

To be in relationship does not mean you must perpetually sacrifice your benefit and pleasure — or tolerate positions that violate your spiritual creed — though there are times when the balance sheet does tip to one side due to meeting valuable obligations and responsibilities to others we care about.

But there is a limit to how much self-sacrificing and acceptance we are spiritually obliged to offer others. Taking the 35,000-foot angelic view, sometimes we are to accept the incompatibilities and differences we find in those we have been close to (whether they be family or friends), and sometimes we are not to hang in there with them when some line is crossed. You get to draw the line.

A number of years ago I had to draw that line with an important friend after learning of corrupt financial activity they were unwilling to set right, no matter how I implored them. With anyone I have cared about, the minute I learned of any tax cheating, milking or manipulation of the government safety net, or similar levels of dishonesty that I have not been able to effect positive change and influence, I have stepped back and/or walked away. I do not want to condone those behaviors.

Though a political view may not necessarily mean it is a violation of a criminal code, politics can often push us up against a moral line that will test one’s convictions and become threshold issues, aka the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back.