Tell Giselle: Post-holiday blues are not always avoidable but can be minimized

From a grandmother who goes through the same scenario each year:

Each holiday for decades I have given gifts to several family members, and to friends that I thought were special. Sometimes I get a card, but not everyone makes a point of thanking me. Is it too much to ask for them to pick up the phone, or for the younger ones to at least send me a text as is their preferred communication? It just makes me depressed that at this stage of my life it is so easy to feel discarded when I have given so much. In the past I have expressed my displeasure, but it hasn’t changed a thing. Should I try once more to say something or talk to my grandchildren to ask them to do better?:

G: There’s a traditional Jewish teaching that goes something like this: Only a foolish parent expects gratitude from their children. The idea being that children are immature, and do not have the capacity yet to fully understand the value of consideration and appreciation, so it is foolish to expect something from someone who is naturally going to be incapable at that stage of life.

But that does not mean that you should not try to help guide them to grow in awareness of the value of being kind and thoughtful at every stage of their development. It’s the way that you go about this that can help advance a positive result.

Some people might suggest that you stop being generous. I am not in that camp.

My playbook says we are to strive to be a model of generosity and kindness, to the best of our ability and means, for peacemaking, but not to the point where we end up just enabling others to continue in destructive behaviors, or allow others to remain being ignorant and unself aware of their hurtful actions.

Give from your heart as you’ve been doing, but do it without the need or expectation that the kindness will be reciprocated.

In time, many children grow up to reflect upon the love that they have been shown and then behave similarly with others. The highest aim is to use your abundance of material resources and wisdom to show you care unconditionally, and communicate that you want only for their peace, joy and well-being.

When you have private moments, it is okay to express your desire for an acknowledgment or any level of reciprocal affection by the basic acknowledgement of your gifts. That’s fine, but do it without layering on any guilt or shame.

It is a fine art to being tender as we teach.

If you can trust that loving words and gestures will take root, whether or not you actually live to see the fruit, your gloom may lift more quickly.

Change in plans can bring awareness of friendship flaws, deficits and strengths

My cousin suggested we plan a brief getaway. I spent time setting up the resort accommodations, researching restaurants, etc. Basically, I did the heavy lifting, but with joy as I was really looking forward to this time off together. We have not seen each other in a couple of years, due to COVID. I found out a few days ago that she decided to visit with a college friend who lives nearby, so she would be dividing some of the time.

This would require the need for me to cancel some activities. The last-minute change in her plans comes too late for me to get a refund on those activities and because of that I no longer feel as excited about making the trip. To be fair, I told her I would refund the money. I would have to eat the cost if I cancel. What do you think this says about my cousin and our friendship?:

G: Often the best made plans go awry because of competing expectations and agendas that are not communicated well or thoroughly enough. That is what appears to have happened here. That fact does not discount your valid reaction, both a sense of surprise and deep disappointment that she would not have considered what this would feel like to you, and how the weekend won’t look anything like you had wanted it.

That said, it does give you a better understanding of what needs to happen for future planning.

Without escalating your disappointment with charged emotion, try to communicate clearly your disappointment so that you are actually conveying what you had thought the weekend meant for you. Express how this decision made you feel.

Then seek to understand why this change in plans was not conveyed to you sooner, when you would have had the chance for a full refund and the option of rescheduling when there were no competing demands.

I trust that when these kinds of problems or miscommunications occur it is more a reflection of either someone’s oversight or that they were not fully recognizing the value of and need for discussion, more than it is about creating an intentional affront that could jeopardize the relationship.

Still, family relationships, like friendships, are not to be taken for granted. They are more fragile than we sometimes realize. For relations to be mutually rewarding, a significant level of trust, respect and forgiveness — all along the way — is required.

If our personal relationships are to weather the assaults of our own ignorance, any social faux pas, and the challenges of stress-filled lives chock a full of our multi-tasking while aging, we will have to treat one another as how we want to be treated.

That takes a large and open heart with plenty of room for unconditional love and for the healing words “I am truly sorry”.

Hopefully with open communication you and your cousin will find a reset is possible, and actually will come to feel the stressful breakdown of this planned trip will make your friendship stronger and more important because of what you both have learned.