Tell Giselle: Planning family trips involves much more than a simple give and take compromise

I have been invited to attend the high school graduation of my boyfriend’s sister. I do not want to go because I really don’t have the money, unless I want to give up some other plans for later in the year. Not.

This graduation is out of state. Unless my boyfriend is willing to cover my costs, I would be looking at an airline ticket and two nights in a hotel, assuming he pays for the rental car. Plus, I would be using a few days of vacation to go to a part of the country that holds no appeal to me.

How do I bring this up so I do not cause a real rift in my relationship?:

G: Start by asking your boyfriend how important this graduation event is to him. Learn as much as you can about what the festivities involve. See what the time commitment is that he would have that would involve your participation.

Ask him what he thinks is the point of you going. For example, is it just so he will have a better time? Does he want to introduce you to any family members or friends he has that you have not yet met? Or is this celebration something that he may be concerned may make you look like you are not really that important to the him or the family?

Usually, any obligatory events for an actual “family” member are not at all the same obligations for the “significant other.” You did not reveal what level of “significant other” you are, and that is one major factor in whether or not I would advise you to go or not to go.

Even so, after you learn how important this is to him you can then discuss your finances. If he is unwilling to contribute or pay you way, I would say for sure do not go.

If he is willing to cover most or all of your expenses, I would say for sure go. Here’s why:

This comes down to an opportunity to get to know one another better, and to learn about each other’s priorities and preferences. It is also a way to continue to discover his, and your own, commitment to living within your means.

There will always be many things you will want to do or spend money on that has nothing to do with extended family, or even with your important friendships. The bottom line is we all get to decide how we want to live, what we want to spend our money on, and most of all the way we want to spend our time.

IF, and it’s a big IF, you are interested in building a broader foundation for a serious and/or lifelong relationship with this boyfriend, an opportunity to participate in these types of family occasions gives you the chance to see him in action and to discover some parts of his life you may not know much about.

But if you see your relationship as the more casual type, you still get to choose how you want to allocate your limited time off and your limited budget. You can do this without it turning into a major debate or crisis to the relationship.

So much in life depends on how we approach any conversation and the tone we take.

What you hope to gain from taking the time to open up about what you are thinking and feeling may require you take even more time beforehand to consider the importance of this relationship. Be honest with yourself about whether or not some of these considerations for the trip are too much of a sacrifice for you to make.

Either way, this is going to be your chance to see how your boyfriend reacts to your initial hesitation about making this trip. What he says, and as importantly, what he is willing to do for you, will ultimately bring you to your decision and perhaps bring you to greater peace of mind than you currently have.

Learning to be a good friend is a day-to-day practice

I am having a hard time seeing my girlfriend continue to put up with the immaturity of her boyfriend. We are in our late twenties and dealing with the pressure of finding a career that both matters and pays well enough. Mostly I am tired of hearing about her complain that he is unmotivated.

She says he makes excuses for why he hasn’t found the right “fit.” Her eyebrows raise when she says that word as it bugs her since she is not in the right “fit” either. Many of us aren’t but we keep working anyway.

She will tell me that there are lots of times he acts like he loves her and is actually nice to her, but then she says he creates these fights with her that seem to be a repeating theme of insecurity. It doesn’t help that he drinks more frequently than she wants him to.

What can I tell her that may help her break up with him?:

G: I understand how difficult it is to watch a friend struggling in a relationship that just does not seem to be going anywhere positive. But I do not think it is productive to tell her in any direct way that she should break up with him.

A more effective approach would be to let her know you have been watching her go through what looks like a painful and frustrating cycle of up and down and that you would hope she would recognize this unhealthy pattern so she can change her life for the better.

In clear terms express to her that you want to be a good friend to her and that this means you have to be straight and honest with her about how draining this has been to your own enjoyment of your friendship.

Suggest she see a therapist who she can discuss her relationship problems with, and maybe get some direction for how to help her boyfriend who may be suffering a depression.

Let her know being in therapy will also help free the both of you up so you can resume the good parts of your relationship and put the joy back in the time you do spend with each other.

If she makes an excuse for why she cannot see a therapist, try real hard not to roll your eyes.