Tell Giselle: Dividing up those chores

Working parents spotlight a divisive and painful issue in their household which is a common lament.

My husband and I have a combined family. When we first blended our two families everyone seemed eager to get along. The kids were mostly cooperative regarding the house and lawn chores. But now that they are teens it falls to me to get things done around the house.

I can’t get my husband to participate in discipline or with managing the tasks. I don’t want to get any more resentful than I am feeling. I am so tired. Please help me get this under control.

G: Sometimes it takes a near meltdown or a raised voice to be heard, and hopefully you are no where near close to that. Before you offer a structure or expectation of what needs to be done around the house, and by whom, have a private conversation with your husband and let him know what you intend to suggest to the teens.

Here are a couple of approaches:

OPTION 1: Begin with a list of the chores. Divide these between wet and dry tasks, for example, washing dishes or putting them in the dishwasher — if you have a dishwasher — is a “wet” task; cleaning out the cat litter box is a “dry” task.

Taking the trash out is “dry” while washing the floor is “wet.” Vacuuming and dusting are “dry” and getting the oil changed in the car is “wet” … you get the idea.

Once you have the list of the chores spelled out, along with the frequency of when they are to be done, present the list to each of the teens and to your husband.

Ask them to pick the chore they will be responsible for doing.

You can ask them if they would like the option of reviewing the chores in a month to see who still likes the particular job or if they would prefer to trade with another. This way they see they have flexibility, and variety, in what they will be required to do.

I was introduced to this concept of wet and dry by married friends, who did not have children. They came to the realization while living together that they naturally preferred one type of job over the other. So they began dividing the chores by the moisture metric.

This delineation of tasks also stopped them from feeling like they had to remind the other to do their part. It was easy to see what needed to be done, and whether or not the job was their responsibility.

OPTION 2: Consider prioritizing their schoolwork over housework.

This will require you allocate your own time and the budget to get outside help with anything you and your husband cannot do on your own, for when any of your teens cannot — or do not — schedule some of their own free time to help out.

When my daughter was in grade school, I explained to her my job was to bring home the paycheck to keep everything flowing in the household in terms of our comfort and needs. I told her that her job, and her only job, was to excel in her schoolwork and why this was the most important thing she should care about.

I reinforced this throughout the years, so that there was total buy-in to the arrangement, with the understanding she would then be able to go to college and become the doctor she had talked about becoming ever since she was five years old.

What helped make this a positive experience is when she would hear from her friends they could not get together because they had chores they had to do, and how unhappy her friends were about this.

Even though some of her friends were given an allowance, possibly as a compensation for their participation in household chores, and my daughter was not given an allowance, my daughter still felt she had the better deal.

If there was an occasion when I actually needed her help with a chore, and she clearly had the time and mental energy to participate, she would do so without copping an attitude.

As a teen she did learn from watching me how to clean a home, do laundry, cook and clean up after meals, but it was free of any pressure or the typical butting of heads that grow a wedge between a parent and child.

A final favor

On a personal note: Two weeks ago someone I have counseled for over 20 years died. I’ll refer to her as Miss C. For months Miss C had been in declining health from an unexpected, terminal diagnosis.

Her ordeal and her early death gave me many opportunities to consider some of the challenges of dealing with a complex health crisis and what challenges are left to the survivors, beyond coping with grief.

Four days before Miss C died, she had reached out to me by phone. Within the conversation about how she was feeling then and the care she was receiving, she asked a favor of me.

Miss C requested that I reach out to one of her close friends, a woman in her 40s who lives in another state, who was grieving the loss of her husband. Last fall he died in a freak accident, hit by a truck and killed instantly.

Miss C knew that her own death would be a terrible heartache for her friend, who was already in deep grief. Miss C was feeling an extreme sense of guilt for adding to the suffering of her friend, but the more we talked the greater her peace grew knowing that I would be a source of support for her friend.

The idea of a deathbed “favor” is not uncommon and may be one of several of the signs that a death is imminent. I share this in hopes those of you who are now with loved ones or friends — who may be in hospice care or are dealing with acute, terminal illnesses — are conscious of this.

With a heightened sense of grief and fatigue that comes with long caregiving, it is sometimes easy to overlook the “signs.”

Be listening for these especially tender, precious moments of sharing. This way your own heart may be comforted in knowing you provided a safe place of love that will outlast the grief and loss.