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This is a continuation of last week’s query from a mid-level manager that dealt with being a mentor:
What are the best ways to handle, externally and internally, a mentee who demonstrates a lack of gratitude for what I’ve done for them, i.e. spending my time, energy, caring and investment in them?
How do I best handle someone who isn’t aware how much I’m going out of my way to help them succeed in work and life? Or, worse, how do I deal with someone who appears he/she could be aware, but is selfish and self-centered like I used to be, when I, too, took such advice for granted, didn’t say thank you, never gave back, never showed appreciation, acted entitled, etc.?
I don’t want to spend time on these folks in the latter group anymore, but, because I’m supposed to be the wiser and older one, how do I gracefully detach without obviously “ghosting” them?
What I’ve been doing is simply not replying immediately, and replying on my time. And, maybe that’s enough. But, internally I feel offended, upset, etc. Then I realize: I used to be like that when I was this person’s age, so I also feel forgiveness.
I’m just not sure what balance is best to maintain my own mental health, as well as theirs.
G: It can take some real effort to resolve the need to be appreciated, especially in situations that are less than ideal. I will address that point in a moment, but first …
I conferred with a business executive who has experience with issues the human relations department deals with, and the advice that was offered was similar to what I share here.
When you have an employee concern, often it is best to first discuss this with your immediate supervisor before taking it to the person in the human relations department that is responsible for company employee disputes.
Though this in fact does not appear to be a “dispute” in the usual sense, the human relations department has ways to deal with “attitudes” that may include setting up a personnel meeting with the employee (or employees) in question.
You will first need to give your supervisor the feedback regarding the “attitude” or challenges you are facing in your mentoring role, to see what specific recommendations they prefer you to try, before you consider taking it to the next level.
If you do not feel comfortable discussing this with your boss you still have options.
First, realize and accept, there will always be situations with colleagues that are less than perfect and it is up to you to control your emotions and your responses so that you do not become the problem employee and exacerbate your difficulties.
Second, we are not to hold the degree of appreciation that we display to others as a standard, as though it were a benchmark that determines our own response to colleagues, friends, family or strangers.
Delaying a response as you have been doing, in my playbook, is a passive aggressive action. It is not helpful for effecting any positive change in your mentee, and it is only going to serve to deteriorate your self-esteem.
You are consciously aware that you are not treating your mentee as you would want to be treated, i.e. with respect and a sense of urgency, and that is a spiritual failing that needs to be remedied quickly.
As to your mental health management, determine your capacity for generosity and rise to that level or even exceed that by looking at this challenge as a spiritual test you intend to master.
To do this, I recommend you begin viewing this difficulty with your mentee as presenting you with a wonderful opportunity to grow your compassion, forgiveness and wisdom while you work toward improved communication.
This may require you to discuss with the mentee how you have been feeling, and share some of your previous immature behavior. Consider talking about a specific example from your past, as in doing so it may help bring it home and initiate a positive change even faster.
You may be surprised to learn (either from your boss or directly from the mentee) that the reason the mentee is copping an attitude has nothing to do with you personally, but he/she may be in serious trouble in other areas of their personal or professional life.
Or it may be as simple as they have sleep/stress/anxiety issues where they are not displaying their better side, and may even appreciate being gently “called out” about the problem.
Being a great manager means being aware of the mood swings and attitudes of the team, and sometimes it does take one of those personal talks to correct a poor behavior or to clean up the culture before it turns into a toxic environment.
Be willing to hear your mentee out, calmly and patiently. Try to see if there is an area outside of their specific job assignment that you may be able to assist them with.
If not, your mentee will ultimately have a better understanding of you, your career arc, and the sacrifices you are making on their behalf.
Ignorance is often at the root of poor behavior and immaturity, and that can be improved with heartfelt communication, patience and forgiveness.
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Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com