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From a woman who is not on good terms with her brother, this:
I found out this past weekend that my brother who lives in another state replies immediately to a mutual, childhood female friend of ours, when she writes him every so often. She will ask for photos of a relative or of our parents that may involve some project, maybe genealogy, she is doing.
I find myself irritated at the same time a bit amazed that he would instantly respond to her, yet when I have asked for his help, or need some information, and indicate a need for a prompt response to emails or messages regarding our aging parents’ care, he will either ignore me or never even acknowledge that those emails exist.
Eventually something else comes up that I have to deal with and start this all over again.
I try to give him the benefit of the doubt thinking he is busy with work but then, for example, I will find out from our mother that he is actually taking time off and visiting with friends. So you would think he would have plenty of time to respond to me, but NO.
We had issues as kids growing up that lasted into our early thirties, but thought perhaps we were on better footing with one another. Nope. Any ideas for how to navigate a relationship with a sibling who clearly doesn’t show up for one?
G: In my counseling work through the decades, and with raising a daughter, I often have referred to the quote that was attributed to Maya Angelou that goes something like: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Here’s a great moment for you to do just that.
It is similar to the quandary that women (and men) often experience when they find themselves obsessing over a guy (or woman), doing the dating shuffle, waiting for him (or her) to show interest, to commit, or to change.
But, it’s actually not the other that needs to change.
In those romance situations, these people have been shown who they are dealing with and, truth be told, someone needs to remind them: “He’s just not that into you.”
This truth can apply here as well.
But not all is lost. A positive way to be OK with this is to accept that not every person you desire to have a relationship with, including family members, are “into” you. Just like you are not “into” everybody that shows an interest in you.
You are not in a healthy dynamic and it is time for you to realize you could actually be more at peace and free of stress if you decide to change how you look at this.
You have established that you have tried your best to communicate what you need from your brother and he has proven (shown you) he is unwilling or unable to meet your needs. So, the issue now is more about how you are to engage with your parents and not what may or may not happen with your brother.
Let your parents know you have tried to be a co-participant with your brother in their aging needs. Be clear that you have not been successful in getting your brother to engage with you in a timely manner. No need to go into negative details as it will only triangulate the problem and inflame the division.
Tell your parents that your difficulties connecting with your brother will not impede your ability to be involved with their care or any support they require.
Let them know your relationship with your brother may evolve over time and improve, to your satisfaction, but that you are not waiting on that.
You’re not alone.
Having gone through an arduous court process to try to become guardian of one of my siblings whose mental health had collapsed beyond any measure of independence, I learned a sad fact: it is not unusual for one sibling to be the sole caregiver either to a sibling in need, or to aging parents.
Why? Many reasons, including but not exclusive to: other family members or relatives refuse to take part, do not want to change their lifestyles, will not dip into their finances, claim they cannot afford to, either live or work out of the state or country, have other plans for their retirement, do not like the person in need, yahda yahda yahda.
So it falls to the “responsible” person, or even to the state, to carry the burden and attend to all the details of caregiving.
This refusal to be more involved may be part of the hesitation for your brother’s lack of full engagement with you. But it may not be. You may never know. You may find out later. You may not.
None of this ultimately matters.
It is up to you to choose to restore your peace and continue moving forward with your parents’ care, without holding a grudge or resentment toward your brother, or feeling like it is your responsibility to make him behave differently.
Without fanfare, drama or declaration, seek inwardly to forgive your brother for failing to express kindness or compassion toward you, for failing to recognize you have been wanting to be closer, and for not being present to you as you had hoped a sibling would be at this stage of the game.
This is your spiritual task.
You do not have to like this reality, but you do have to learn to accept where things are — as they are — and make the decision to focus on the parts of your life you are able to change.
Not to do that will only prevent you from living in peace and having full energy to rise to your responsibilities in this, and in all other areas of your life.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.