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Presented with the question from several inquiring minds, wanting to know what I think, I am glad the discussion about Will Smith’s violent outburst at the Oscars has gone viral.
It’s another opportunity lesson for everyone, not just for Smith.
Let’s begin with:
Violence in any form – from verbal to physical, and every manifestation of it in between – is frequently as contagious as a virus. Violence begets violence as the adage goes, or at least it can beget a violent reaction, if not at least stir up the urge for retribution and revenge.
But, so too, can forgiveness be contagious.
Learning how to forgive oneself, and others, is an essential ability if one is aspiring to become a peacemaker, aka fully actualized. I know of a marvelous way to go about this, having learned it from my wise father.
He taught me many life-changing things just hours before he died, while I sat beside the hospital bed watching him gasp for breath. Knowing me so well, knowing how much I efforted to get things right, sometimes to the point of perfectionism, he said: “Giselle, just fix your mistakes as you go and you’ll be alright.”
His pithy wisdom came after he had shared with me his life review, where he told me he had seen, heard, smelled, felt everything he had ever done in his life. And it was shown to him in full color. This occurred three weeks prior, while he was in the ambulance, being rushed for the last time to the hospital. He was aware he was about to die, that the lights were about to go out.
He told me his life review went by in a flash. Just like many of you who have heard, or may even have experienced it yourself, it seems to only take a few seconds. In a flash, like a New York minute. Which is the city where he was born, and the state where we grew up.
I thought of my father’s wisdom lesson again the moment I learned of, and then saw the replay of, the slap by Smith.
Beyond the immediate pain the slap had caused to Chris Rock, to the show’s hosts, participants and global audience, this violent physical and verbal assault clearly was a major blow to Smith’s own dignity and reputation.
I couldn’t help but think and shudder: what potential tragedy could have occurred had Chris slipped, fallen, hit his head and now the worst of the worst outcome.
As to Smith’s own slippage in standing in the professional and legal worlds, one can expect this will be another example of how the mighty are fallen.
Time will reveal what the consequences will be, but it is more than likely stiff punishments, disciplinary actions or sanctions will be meted out over the weeks and months. Perhaps penalties to law enforcement officials or the program’s facilitators, if it is discovered, for example, they chose to deviate from the required specific actions, or had failed to comply with established safety protocols.
After the assault, Smith was not removed from the venue, and instead was permitted to remain in his seat, and then walk to the stage to accept his Oscar and address the audience. Surely an investigation into any and all lapses in security are appropriate, with some type of corrective action, such as suspensions and/or retraining.
But while waiting for any investigation or review to be completed, there exists a great opportunity for Smith to do as my father guided me: Fix your mistakes as you go … and come to see that you’ll be alright, spiritually.
As of this writing I have not yet seen that the full fixin’ is in motion, but I am hopeful that it will manifest appropriately. If not organically, then at least through an appropriate intervention by those who are closest to Smith and who are probably holding him gently as this process of his learning how to forgive himself and others, and fixing his mistakes, develops.
Everyone, my father explained, is not expected to be perfect. But we are tasked with fixing mistakes. As we go. The moment we become aware of our mistake. The sooner the better.
People just sometimes need our help in seeing the mistake.
As the subsequent days passed with the public shaming ablaze, it looked to me like Smith was going to need all our help, through compassion and forgiveness. And I write this with no direct knowledge he may be working his way gradually toward full apologies and amends, and what could feel like especially harsh accountability.
Hopefully Smith will be shown his mistakes with the same clarity of living color, so to speak, just as my father saw his mistakes. Thus, the valuable gifts of repair and renewal – that emerge through recognition, reconciliation and redemption – will be able to arise and take center stage, displacing a tawdry act of violence.
As to Chris, he too has an opportunity to fertilize the ground of forgiveness and I hope he gets to fertilizin’.
Even though Chris was the victim of the physical assault, there is room for his own apology. Though one can comfortably guess he did not intend to cause harm or pain – for sure not to provoke himself to be assaulted – just acknowledging that he did say something, as a comic in the course of his schtick, that became a source of hurt would go a long way toward healing and peacemaking.
As I learned in my Judaism education, it does not matter that you did not intend to cause harm or hurt someone; What matters is the effect your words or actions or inaction have on the other person.
Once you get that spiritual lesson, any future mistakes should diminish significantly, because you are more readily able to come to the realization whenever an apology, or the effort to seek forgiveness to fix your mistake, is necessary.
That’s how my father would advise these two grown men to behave now. Get on with it.
It’s pretty simple when you really think about it: fix your mistakes as you go and you’ll be alright.
If they do not choose to follow that wisdom, then the slap incident at the Oscar ceremony will be a missed opportunity and just another slap in the face of humanity.
But the optimist in me says, even still, we all can learn to turn the other cheek with love, compassion and forgiveness, and show our better side.
Don’t we all know full well by now each of us will make mistakes in our lifetime, and are even permitted to make bad choices, but no one should have to endure being punished endlessly? (To learn more about my father’s wisdom, see: https://www.gisellemassi.com/the-law-of-invisible-consequences)
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com