Tell Giselle: How do you cope with people who are stubborn?

An exchange with a communications professional, let’s call him Jeremy, who is disgruntled with some of the assignment work, opens up the broader topic of relationships that require way more effort than may be reasonable.

Jeremy’s issue concerns a major client who requests he produce marketing content that is either misleading or false, or not in keeping with professional standards for mainstream media publication. If that were all Jeremy had to deal with, it would be bad enough, but wait, there’s more.

This client has folks who will rewrite Jeremy’s copy, and then later will grill him why the copy essentially reads as poorly as it appears. Jeremy has to remind the client, they wrote it, not him.

After reviewing the details of the email and phone exchanges between Jeremy and several employees of the client, I could see the next steps had to involve Jeremy’s own immediate supervisor and even involve the owner of Jeremy’s company.

Like in the military, a hierarchy is best followed, unless of course there is criminal activity. Then it is acceptable, and maybe even required, that you break rank and either separate yourself from the company, or become a whistleblower.

Neither of those last two considerations are relevant to Jeremy’s situation. Yet.

Speaking with his supervisor and then the owner of the company, takes up Jeremy’s work time, and these discussions are ongoing after months of agita. Solutions are not yet fully realized, only partial points that aren’t really satisfactory to Jeremy. This battle may likely continue for several weeks more because this client is the top account for Jeremy’s company.

Nonetheless there are actions Jeremy can take to manage his dissatisfaction with those he has to engage with during the course of his work. He can successfully offset the negative effects these tensions and disputes have been having on his stress, sleep and attitude but it will take real commitment and resolve.

These power struggles are similar to any of our personal relationships that present us with the problem of stubbornness. You want it your way, the other person wants it their way. I call these head butts. Like rams during mating season. Head butts hurt way more than one’s head. They can end a job, even a career. It’s best to avoid getting into that position in the first place.

A senior executive with human resources management experience explained it this way: “Everyone has their own view of reality and their own reasons for determining a course of action. The fact that it is not my reality doesn’t necessarily make them wrong.

“The fact that they are the boss and are in that role means my role is to fulfill that assignment. Once you have had the conversation with your supervisor, and have not been able to persuade them of a different action to be taken, embrace their direction and forge ahead with all your effort and not grouse about it while you’re doing it. When the urge to grouse about it comes up, remind yourself the decision has been made and stay the course.”

And this is how it often goes with parents and their children, between couples, and even between great friends.

You’re not always going to see things the same way.

When compromise doesn’t come readily, you can bet it has something to do with one or the other being ignorant, obstinate, or perhaps suffering from an inability to put oneself in the other’s seat to better understand the problem confronting both of them.

Stubbornness is one of those distasteful attributes that we don’t even like to admit exists in ourselves. It’s so much easier to see it in others.

One way to overcome this deficit in self-awareness is this: the next time you find yourself dealing with an incompatibility of personalities or opinions, or with a confrontation or decision that requires cooperation and agreement, try to step back from the encounter.

Then, ask for some time to reconsider.

Unless it is time sensitive, and usually these issues are not that time critical, return to the discussion without your ego or expertise.

Rather, aim to show up with the humility you will need to seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

Put away your righteousness.

Store away those spears of rhetoric that will only serve to exacerbate the power play going on, and which widens the bridge span that you are only going to have to traverse later together.

You don’t have to make things harder on yourself than they already are. That is the poison pill stubbornness tries to kill us with. Exasperation, and an inability to unlock horns and look up at the future we are destroying with our refusal to be diplomatic, is self-defeating.

One way to stop doing that is to remind yourself while you are in the midst of the problem is to own the truth that you have co-created this experience.

This means you have to consider you have actually chosen to be where you are and it means you get to choose how you want to live each situation. You then accept that you are responsible for setting yourself up for these life experiences and you get to choose to either take the peacemaker path or the angry path.

The angry path begins in your head with your attitude and it continues to your heart.

The peacemaker path begins in your heart and it continues to your head and hands.

Try bringing your focus to your heart whenever you encounter a stubborn person or find yourself in a confrontational situation. Your heart will remind you that you have chosen this person and this experience to bring you an opportunity to learn something and to grow in wisdom.

And perhaps even help the other person to grow as well.

Instead of viewing the stubborn person or confrontation as yet another miserable, tiring, boring, waste of your life, let the heart’s reminder move your head and your hands to thank the other person for the opportunity to grow.

Then start fresh as though you were working with your twin who just needs to see your face as theirs, and hold up the mirror to yourself.