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Summarizing an all-too common predicament: How do I let someone know I do not want to donate to their birthday fundraiser, without upsetting them? These are postings on social media, Facebook in particular. Not donating makes it look so obvious that I am not on board.

G: It is a particularly lovely gesture to gift someone something at any time. Gift giving, when done with unconditional love, generates a great feeling.

But if you are not feeling the love, perhaps it is because you do not feel good about the fundraiser recipient, or that this doesn’t make you feel like it is a gift you want to give, or maybe it is not meeting your idea of a gift because it is not in alignment with any spirit of gift giving that resonates with you.

It is worth taking a few moments for you to sort out why and get clear with yourself.

First, some background on crowdsourcing may be helpful to readers.

It has been the practice with obituaries, using a popular example, for the surviving family or friends to include at the bottom of the death announcement and/or on the funeral home page being used, something to the effect of: in lieu of flowers please donate to X Y or Z, often listing a cancer research organization or a hospice facility that they have had positive regard for, and are wanting to pay back so-to-speak with this financial kindness.

It is a lovely gesture with real benefit, especially sweet because it takes into consideration the living, and is not serving the deceased loved one who is being honored in the obit.

It can feel a whole lot different, and not so sweet, whenever you see a friend or family member, or someone in that six-degrees-of-separation web thread, asking you to contribute to their preferred charity, in place of you giving them any other birthday present.

The obvious difference between these two solicitations is stark: the deceased person mentioned in the obit isn’t asking anything of anyone, and in the social media posts, for their birthday a live person is asking for money from you to go to some cause or to an organization that personally matters to them.

To my way of thinking, being solicited like this surely doesn’t elicit joy in me, and I find it hard to qualify it as a gift in the traditional sense.

When I am being publicly asked to give something for a birthday present, even though it may seem like a gift to the person generating the request – and even knowing that my funds would be going to a wonderful cause – the fact that it comes in the form of an actual request in such a public display, diminishes the gift feeling for me.

When there is a goal attached to the birthday fundraising plea, like aiming to raise X number of dollars, let’s say, well then that takes it to a whole ’nuther level of awkward because there is a built-in pressure upon each of us to help make the goal.

Yet these kinds of requests are common place, and are not limited to birthday celebrations.

Not to be misunderstood, I am not talking about the sites that are specifically set up to crowdsource for various “vanity” projects or cover personal tragedies, like people who are needing help with unexpected medical bills or with distant travel treatments, including any follow-up support not covered by insurance.

These are crowdsourcing ventures where the hosting site takes a fee to operate the site, and to confirm that the goal is met and funds are disseminated appropriately.

That’s a different type of request, a different model of gifting.

I am less comfortable with some social media posts that ask for money to support a personal crusade, whether it be a person participating in a fundraising race, or for their kid’s school, or to purchase additional supplies for a favorite teacher.

From walks, to bicycle events and every conceivable activity or personal interest, there seems to be no limit to the form these pleas for financial support can take. And they keep on coming.

Only a particularly compelling social media request draws me in for a positive response. So, when it comes to the Red Cross, especially during a much-publicized tragedy or the extreme needs after a major weather or fire event, or when Doctors Without Borders asks for my contribution to help fund their life-saving work around the globe, count me in.

But when it comes to these other requests I’ve outlined, opening my wallet is far less likely, and it is easy for me to just keep scrolling past the post.

That is because I do not feel I am under any spiritual obligation to contribute, nor do I think you must feel obligated to address any public birthday request.

Each of us gets to decide how and where we want to offer our gifts, charity, or tzedakah.

But if you feel you are being put to some squeeze to explain why you are not donating and you don’t want to choose to remain silent, you can always say, if true: “My budget is tight” or “I have hit my charitable giving limit for the time being.”

There’s nothing to be gained in describing why you find these birthday requests so off putting. People either get it or they don’t, without any need for you to say it goes against any charitable giving protocol you may hold.

In some spiritual traditions such as Judaism, the most esteemed form of charity is actually doing it out of the public eye. This occurs when the generous person gives anonymously, and when the direct recipient of said generosity is also kept anonymous. This is so that the giver never learns who is the direct beneficiary.

Giving in this way helps to prevent creating any pridefulness in the part of donor, while also minimizing shame or embarrassment for the recipient who is truly in need.

So, whenever you see an individual’s name, for example, on a hospital wing or academic building, a structure that was made possible through the abundant funding from that donor, don’t get me wrong… it still counts spiritually as a marvelous thing and I enthusiastically support all such efforts to serve the greater good.

But giving anonymously can take the giving to another level of selflessness and kindness, while also eliminating self-serving “virtue signaling” that appears to be infecting some birthday solicitations.

Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com