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“My girlfriend has been really upset about the Supreme Court ruling taking constitutional rights away from females. We chose to end her pregnancy and up till now have kept this mostly private. Now she feels she wants to tell her story to the local media and I don’t want her to do that. What can I say to her to get her to respect my privacy?”
G: My heart goes out to you and your girlfriend.
I am making an assumption that you have already tried to persuade her that you are uncomfortable with her going public, and have not yet gotten her to agree with you.
I am also making an assumption that you would like to be able to continue moving forward with your relationship.
If you have not had the conversation about your wish for her to remain quiet, begin that discussion immediately. Depending on how she responds to your desire to keep your involvement private, I think there is no better time than now to seek the help of a relationship counselor.
When faced with significant differences of opinion, at a level that makes both partners unhappy and that begins to negatively affect how each is feeling about the other, sometimes just presenting the need for seeking a counselor can open up a heartfelt discussion that will bring a couple closer.
The value of a relationship counselor, especially in these situations that can feel like unbridgeable chasms, is rooted in their mission. Counselors have the ability to help each side to at least have a better understanding of the reasons for the divergent views. They also can help clear up misunderstandings or miscommunications that are causing deep hurt.
Often when reasoned arguments are made in front of a neutral third party, such as a therapist who has the desire to reach a healthy compromise or mutually beneficial outcome for the couple, the resolution is achieved without a further breakdown in communication and affection.
This is not always the case, but therapy is worth the effort and expense.
Learning how to navigate these difficult gaps in opinion by using clear and uplifting communication is a skill that you and your partner can benefit from now and for the long term, regardless of whether or not you can come to an outcome you prefer.
My view of your situation is pretty much reduced to: Don’t do to someone that which you do not want done to you.
That means your girlfriend does not have my spiritual dispensation to go public unless you change your mind.
You can present this concisely to your girlfriend by explaining that you believe she would not want you to divulge something about her to anyone, much less the public, that is not something she wants shared.
If she is unable to grasp the consequence of this, or see that the basic kindness you are requesting of her is a major issue for you, perhaps a counselor will be able to make all of this more real for her.
The bottom line is what has happened between the two of you is not hers to own alone.
Sometimes this is a tough truth to accept or reconcile when we are in relationships, whether they are our family members, or with our romantic partners and friends.
There is the possibility you may get to the place where you feel your girlfriend is incapable of being the partner you want to have. Give yourself ample time to work through these thoughts and feelings.
What may help you as you process this crisis is something someone close to me said about his marriage, but it relates to any serious union:
Being in an intimate relationship is like being in a two-person canoe.
To go smoothly in the direction you have set out, as a team, requires that you both equally invest your energy and focus on steering yourselves steadily on a safe path through all waters that come along, whether calm or turbulent. You have to be in the canoe as one, working for balance in a peaceful rhythm, and not operating as adversaries who are sabotaging the journey with disharmonious behavior.
Otherwise, you inevitably will either crash or else upturn yourselves, creating chaos and regrets that can last a lifetime.
Whatever the circumstances are that led to the pregnancy, making the decision to keep or end it is often a particularly unique opportunity for growth and spiritual insight. This monumental choice that you faced together can continue to give you the chance to more fully consider not only the life desires of each other, but also to sort out whether or not this relationship can continue to develop in a way that is mutually satisfying.
She too gets to voice whether or not she can go forward with you. Allow her to sort that out with the same tenderness and kindness you want shown to you.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.