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“My wife and I have been members of a church for many years and have attended Sunday services as often as possible, which is we rarely miss them. The ritual of our early Sunday service with the coffee social afterward bores me. In the early years of our marriage, I didn’t feel this way.
“I have kept up with this to support my wife because she obviously gets something out of going, including talking with her friends.
“I should say, she does have some idea of my discontent. I know she will not want to accept that I don’t want to go to church anymore. We raised our children with church attendance but once they were out of the house, they stopped going – that was an ordeal for her – and will only go for certain holidays with us just to make her happy.
“I should have stopped going way back. I want some ideas for how to break from this routine.”
G: With the holiday season fast upon us all, now is an ideal time for you to get this resolved.
Before you bring this up with her, I suggest you get very specific with yourself about the reasons you no longer feel spending time on Sunday with church activity is right for you. You may need to carve out some time for extended reflection, if you have not already done this.
Some points to consider are: I no longer feel inspired by the prayers, the minister/priest; I do not enjoy the music or song selections; I have not been learning anything new there for several years; I do not connect with the other members; the cost of membership is money I would rather use directly for a charity of my choice or for this-that-or-the other thing.
Then, explain to her why some of the teachings of that church are positions or beliefs you no longer accept, if that is applicable in your situation. Some churches have been going through great stresses as they are forced to confront their positions regarding LGBTQ+ rights and lifestyles. These debates have even led to schisms, where denominations and members break away to form other congregations.
All of this debating has helped to increase the tensions or discord within and between families and friendships, disagreements that may have already existed but were not as apparent.
Even if your disagreements with the church positions have nothing to do with cultural or behavioral options or your own differing views, you may have arrived at this change as simply an evolution in your own spiritual understanding, or else a fundamental need or a desire to be free of the obligation that no longer suits you.
These changes in you may be a reflection of your wish to spend your time focusing on a practice or form of study that brings you a greater sense of spiritual independence, regardless of whether or not you open yourself up to comparative religious exploration, or want to pursue a non-affiliated or secular life.
If you have gotten to the point that you no longer feel like you belong to that church, that you are not in alignment with them, or just want “out”, it is imperative that you let your wife know this without any sugar coating.
Don’t just seek her support for your decision to make this abrupt change; Straight out ask for it. Let her know you want her support for your personal peace and continuity of the marriage. You likely already know why the church-going is important to her, but give her the opportunity to talk about how she feels about her experience of late, and see if it has not also changed.
Just as you have been indulging her for what likely has been decades, it is perfectly appropriate to ask her to indulge you in your decision not to attend church.
It is likely this kind of break in religious observance can be a painful rupture in the relationship or marriage. Be prepared to go to the mat for what you need, but with the full understanding that people can surprise you in ways that you are not anticipating.
If your end to the Sunday ritual means that you will also be losing a marriage or family, I suggest you seek counseling. Your wife may not want to go, but I suggest you find a counselor that will be able to support you through your process.
It is not unusual that a person or a couple grow or change over time, and in ways that seem foreign or uncomfortable. What is important is to focus on the reasons for this and come to an acceptance of that change.
Change is inevitable, and more of a constant for anyone who desires to learn how to live well and be a peacemaker.
What worked for us when we were children often impedes us as adults. Those who want to remain in their spiritual beliefs or practices, that often are formed as children, are entitled to do so. It does not mean you must.
The kind thing to do is the honest thing. You’ve changed, you have your reasons. That pretty much means those around you will be forced to change to your change. How they handle this will be a clear reflection of the rung on the spiritual ladder they stand on.
Don’t be surprised if it is lower than the rung you aspire to reach.
Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com