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“I have a dear friend who is undergoing complex treatment for a serious disease. It is not like he is about to die anytime soon, just that he knows he is not long for this world and needs to start putting his affairs in better order.
“He has asked me, once he is gone, to gift a piece of jewelry that is quite valuable, to a former lover. It’s complicated as you can imagine. He does not want to do this before he dies as he thinks it is just too much water under the bridge, as he says. But he believes this is one way for him to complete the expression of what she meant to him when they were together.
“I would like to think this is a good idea, but I do not know enough of the details and do not feel like I should pry.
“I will do as my friend asks, but am wondering what is the best way to present this type of inheritance. I do not know this person and want to know how you would go about it?”
G: First things first. When it comes to making preparations for one’s end of life, it is most important to have in writing what your desires are for your possessions, investments and properties.
Without these legal documents a person is only making life much more complicated for those who will outlive them. That makes for the most unwelcome of inheritances, as the work involved is time consuming and can be an unexpected expense to boot.
Begin there. Inquire of your friend if he has a will and/or a trust of some kind. If not, then urge him to get this in motion. Help him arrange for a lawyer if he does not have the strength. Be sure he has updated his life insurance beneficiary forms.
Side note: A friend found out that a man she had been involved with but had been apart for many years had not removed her name as the beneficiary on his million-dollar policy. He had remarried but died not long after. When the will was revealed, one can imagine the surprise to his widow that she had not been made beneficiary, had she not known of this detail before his unexpected death. It may have been an oversight or it may have been intentional.
Either way, it is a lesson in cleaning up our paperwork to be sure it reflects as accurately as possible what we want to occur once we are gone.
If your friend does have these papers, see if he will give you a copy of the documents. Explain to him that you want to be sure that you have legal standing, for taking the jewelry or any other item that he wants to give away.
All of this is to be able to fulfill his wish with the least amount of strife. For all you know, this piece of jewelry may have been discussed or coveted by some members of his family. Do they need to be forewarned/notified or not?
After that, see if he wants you to hold on to the jewelry prior to his death. This may be the most sensible thing, as you may not have all the details of his family dynamics. There may be underlying tensions that are ongoing or these may erupt upon his death, when disputes about the will become possible.
By holding it in a secure place under your control, you are assuring him that you will be able to easily transact this task. Remind him that some illnesses resolve in a hospital room, but often a person is not where they thought they might be when the end comes. With you in possession of this gift, and a document that gives you the legal rights, you don’t have to stress him or yourself out on how or when to access the item. You can take care of the arrangements to have it shipped or personally delivered.
The next step is to see if he wants to attach a note with the gift. You do not have to ask to read it. My hope is he is willing to scratch out at least a few words that help him to express his feelings that bring peace to himself and to the recipient.
To that point, I came across a pithy end of life statement (unfortunately I do not know who came up with this) that anyone can write or say: I forgive you. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
Of course, these sentences can be said at any time. But at the near end, these simple words make for a brilliant summary of the journey and a graceful departure.
Before the time comes to hand off his gift, be sure you have confirmed the contact information for this person, and if possible, periodically check any online records to see if the person is still alive and in that same location.
When the time comes, keep the hand off simple. This gift may be too valuable for you to trust to certified mail or an overnight delivery. If you feel more comfortable hand delivering it, I would see if you could make arrangements so that it is delivered in a way that you can afford, and that will make you feel like the intention of the gift has the greatest likelihood of being received favorably.
No matter how the hand off goes down, what is important is not what happens to the gift after it is delivered. The priority is to fulfill your commitment to your friend.
Related to this, last year I offered to several of my friends, male and female, a unique opportunity. Since they are significantly older than I am, and having known them a long time, I let them know after their death (presuming of course I outlive them) that if they wanted me to deliver a letter to any of their former loves, I would be happy to do so.
When we know good friends a long time, we know much of their love life history. Some of my friends are with their “soul” mates, but some are not. Some have resolved broken relationships,
some have not. Some have already said what they wanted to say to their former loves, some have not. What they know is if they should decide they need to say one more thing, or pass along some loving thing to those they have held closely in their heart, I will be the happy carrier of that love expression.
Kudos to you friend for wanting to bequeath an expression of his affection to a former love, and to you for being part of growing the peace. May others follow this example and get to work on those legal papers.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com