Tell Giselle: Getting the best gift of all

“Every year I get gifts from someone close to me that just annoy the (expletive) out of me. There are too many things to list that describe why I am unhappy with them, but I’ll give you an idea here: 1) clothing is cheap or does not fit or I know it came off the sale rack because it is “irregular” 2) the specialty food basket is full of unhealthy stuff and I won’t eat the popcorn 3) I don’t need another dishtowel and potholder or gaudy costume jewelry 4) I won’t read that book.

“I always say thank you, but am angry at myself for pretending I am glad to have these presents. Any ideas for how to stop this without coming across as (expletive), and getting me out of this?”

G: Who cannot relate to this seasonal quandary, but it doesn’t take a holiday to be disappointed in this way. Poorly chosen or inappropriate gifts seem to be the chigger under the skin that dampens any celebration, but most especially at Christmas.

Many of us as children and young adults were taught to simply be grateful for gifts we are given. We are told it shows that the gift giver was thinking of us, and therefore, we should be happy. Sometimes that lesson comes with a built-in, guilt-inducer add on like this: “and many children live in orphanages and don’t have anyone in their life that gives them any presents.”

In general, that is a sentiment that doesn’t always stand the test of time.

As children it may help assuage hurt feelings in the moment, but only to a modest degree. If we — as now essentially “older children” — are unwilling or incapable of being forgiving of the limitations of others, we will be stuck repeating the same disappointment that we did not get what we want.

So how do we get what we want?

For starters, that’s not exactly the approach I would take, and I will deal with that later.

Begin with accepting each and every gift you get, gifts from anyone in your life, as though they all will likely end up being donated to a charity. This way you can feel great knowing you are giving away items to others who actually want or need them. At the same time, you will be opening your heart wider with gratitude to that person who actually is enabling you to be generous toward those who are less fortunate, and are happy to enhance their lives with your donated items.

If you consider every gift you get as potentially a charitable donation, it instantly elevates your status to that of philanthropist. Now, don’t you feel richer and better already?

Second, consider that the person who gifts you these undesirable items is generally inept, stingy, lazy, clueless, and/or thoughtless. Forgive them anyway for being inept, stingy, lazy, clueless and/or thoughtless.

How you do this is by recognizing that you are sometimes inept, stingy, lazy, clueless and/or thoughtless even at times when you don’t intend to be that way. No doubt most all of us have experienced moments in time we are too tired, distracted, depressed or not in the mood, to be able to be our more perfect self.

The truth is we can and do tire of the obligation to give gifts to people in our life that we no longer think deserve our generosity, or we feel may take us for granted, or we just don’t feel as close to anymore, or who may expect more and more from us because they think we are more flush than they are, so can afford to spend more on them.

Now as to the way to get what we want, there are a few avenues to consider.

You can be more specific with the gift giver and offer a short list of items you would particularly care to receive, or you can suggest that you both choose to donate to a preferred charity instead of exchanging gifts.

I’ve tried that approach with others in my life and it sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t. But it’s worth a try.

The other thing that works is both creative and fun. I have done this with a precious friend who adores chocolate as much as I do. We use the occasions to give each other artisan or unique chocolate. It means we always get what we want and know the other person feels exactly the same way.

See if you can find a mutual interest with your gift giver similar to that example, so you can make it a shared and surprising experience.

If you decide to provide a list of your desired items, be sure that you are clear enough with the price point, size, color, brand, etc. so that you don’t run in to the same mix up that frustrates you.

There is a clothing line that fits me perfectly and aligns with my taste, meaning I don’t have to deal with the cost and hassle of alterations or returns. I let everyone in my circle know this, and told them they will never go wrong if they buy a gift card for me from that store.

If you have a similar experience with clothing, just ask for a gift card from your preferred retailer, or from any other place that suits your preferences or need.

But the bottom line here can be a game changer if you take it to heart: The best gift of all you can receive this season is the one you give yourself: gratitude for knowing what truly matters and not sweating the small stuff.