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I am going to consolidate the issue a number of people have presented me with, that concerns a change from a shared bed, beginning with:

“My husband wants to sleep in another room. He has given me a variety of reasons, from our bed is too soft to he doesn’t want to disturb me when he wants to get up in the middle of the night. He started sleeping in the other room when he had COVID but he’s long been over that. We’ve been together many years and I just don’t get it.”

Like many couples, sleeping together, by that I mean literally the act of closing one’s eyes (hopefully fully) and snoozing, has morphed into being a representation of several different problems. Each situation requires a particular approach but may have some overlapping factors, though all couples may benefit greatly from full disclosure and honest communication.

Take for example, another husband who informed me that he and his wife no longer sleep in the same bedroom, and have not for several years, because he snores so loudly his wife cannot get any rest. He claims his marriage is solid.

Or the couple who no longer sleeps in the same bed because one of the spouses doesn’t want to be married any longer, but has not yet chosen to file for divorce.

These situations may look similar, in that each couple is no longer sharing the same bed, but they couldn’t be further from identical in terms of underlying motivations.

One couple whose life in the public eye exemplifies my point, lived at Buckingham Palace. Those who have watched any of “The Crown” series, are familiar with the custom of separate bedrooms for certain members of the monarchy.

Having said that, it is true that sometimes a spouse who snores, or perhaps has a medical condition that causes them to get up several times throughout the night because of an urge to urinate, will delay or even refuse to seek remedies that could alleviate disruptions to sleep. The reasons for this may range to not wanting to accept a serious medical issue that may be the cause of these disturbances, like heart disease, obesity or cancer, or it may be an underlying acceptance of the abnormal becoming normal.

Some snorers cannot hear themselves, so they don’t understand the depth of the problem. This is similar to those people with hearing loss who resist getting hearing aids, because after all, their diminished hearing is not a problem for them and they just don’t get it.

Whenever these impasses happen, it is incumbent upon the partner whose sleep is being disturbed to make choices that may not be easy. But before any decisions can be taken, it is important to try to get to the root of the issue, in order to find out if there are mutually-satisfying compromises that are possible.

The core concern is about addressing a divide that is larger than any of dips that appear in worn mattresses. This usually is a process that takes longer than one would want. But whether or not to bail on a marriage bed is a decision that is best looked at together, if not with some professional assistance.

I am talking here about marriages and relationships that are not physically abusive or dangerous to one or both of the partners. To be clear, if there is domestic violence, it is imperative to seek help and initiate any legal proceedings to secure protection.

Still, there are relationships where emotional abuse takes place, and often the bedroom is where these difficulties manifest.

Withholding affection, touch, tenderness or any of the niceties of coupling that help to bond people and deepen intimacy, are actually forms of abuse. So, should a partner make the decision to separate from the shared bed, be sure to see if there are arrangements that can be made to have time for these physical expressions, whether on a bed, or elsewhere, if the union is still intact.

The husband who sleeps in a separate bed, and in another room, assured me he and his wife continue to have sex. He wanted me to know their separate bedrooms are only about the act of sleeping. I take him at his word, and accept that this may be an ideal solution for this particular couple, but without discussing this with her, I cannot be certain. I do know it would not be my ideal sleeping accommodation.

Only time will tell if a relationship can withstand changes that seem at first blush to be divisive. Many people who have had long, and fulfilling, relationships will tell you that each partner changed in surprising ways but they have learned to adapt, accommodate and make peace with those changes. As long as the changes did not

fundamentally threaten the cohesiveness of their bond and commitment, they were willing to let their partner stretch out, sometimes in different directions or on other mattresses.

Some of the solutions that need to be considered, beyond a marriage or couple’s counselor, involve looking at the behaviors that are causing the desire for any change in thinking or interacting. This is the template that can be applied to any differences that emerge, whether they involve one’s finances, job change considerations, decisions about parenting, or retirement, for example.

But as to the bedroom issues, if the bed is too hard or too soft, if the bed is too small, if the blankets are too warm or too cold, if the room is too light or too dark, if the nighttime runs to the bathroom are too frequent, all of these may only be a manifestation of choices that are blanketing over deeper discontents.

Be prepared to pull back the covers and look closely at who is getting their needs met or who has developed different or new needs. Sometimes this parting of the bed is one of the earliest indicators that a partner is no longer wanting to sleep in the bed they made. Just because it happens doesn’t necessarily always mean that it is the end of the relationship. One unfortunate thing is possible: A person may not always find out the real reasons for their partner’s desire to separate to another bedroom in the house.

The recommendation there is to seek support to resolve the threshold issue, so you either can be in a relationship that is based on a shared goal of kindness, respect, compassion and warmth or else make a new bed.

Email Giselle with your question at [email protected] or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com