Tell Giselle: Be a helper and not a hater

“I recently found out a friend whom I have been close to for many years has lied to me. I never had a reason to distrust them before this. The lie surfaced through a mutual friend in the most unexpected way.

“My friend had declined to attend a party I was hosting, saying that they would be out of town. What I found out was that they were in town, and at a grocery store.

“Now what do I do? Do I bring this up or just let it pass? Whichever way I go, I am bothered that I have to deal with a dumb lie like this.”

G: So often we become unexpected participants in a drama we would rather not be in, and forget that we have the option to not participate.

Your decision depends on how much responsibility you feel toward this person, and how much more energy you want to invest in the growth of this relationship.

If it were just a casual acquaintance you might feel comfortable moving on and away from the whole saga, and not give it another thought. It would be easy to do, because you don’t have much involvement or exposure to such casual acquaintances.

However, since this is a long-standing friendship, my playbook says you have a personal investment, and an obligation to give the friend a chance to clear the air. This will allow you the opportunity to assess what is best for you, and your friend, once you have more information than you possess right now.

You might discover that it could be as simple as the friend’s travel plans were cancelled due to no fault of their own, or they felt too uncomfortable or ill to be out of town, and just decided showing up at your party was not an option. You might discover that they confused the dates.

More information is needed in order for you to not jump to conclusions. You need to know what happened, and that may or may not determine the trajectory of this relationship.

First, seek to understand before you come to any conclusions that only deepen the drama and cause more misunderstanding. And while you are seeking information, withhold any judgment or belief that you can no longer trust this person.

From way closer than a 35,000-foot spiritual view, not to discuss this with your friend is unreasonable.

Not to bring it to their attention is avoiding bringing a valuable truth to the surface. This truth may need some delicate tending to, such as careful exploration as to whether or not they have lied to you in the past about anything, and for what reason.

Whenever we do not expect or insist on accountability and honesty from our closest circle, or from those that have any degree of influence over our lives, such as employers and politicians, we are enabling and even supporting their behavior to continue.

Doing that actually denies them a growth opportunity.

Just look at what is happening with George Santos, the New York representative. Questions about him continue to dominate the headlines, with bizarre stories revealing a track record of discrepancies, embellishments, obfuscations, and downright provable falsifications.

New York Magazine recently published an article that outlines these issues, including reporting: “As he has claimed, Santos is a 34-year-old Republican born in Queens who will represent New York’s wealthiest congressional district. Other than that, pretty much everything is under scrutiny.”

https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2023/01/the-everything-guide-to-george-santoss-lies.html

Good reporting and some more time will help to get to the truth and squelch at least some of the cachophony. But for now, instead of any of those in his inner circle – whether they be relatives or political colleagues – coming forward and showing the public they are seeking help for him, we are being exposed to a daily dog piling from the haters, especially showing up on social media.

I do grant it is possible that friends and family of his, if he even has any, may be working behind the scenes to counsel him and may be trying to secure appropriate professional and legal help for him.

Clearly there is something amiss with any individual who presents themself repeatedly as being fork-tongued or certifiably dishonest; displays they are incapable of living in reality; and/or who behaves in ways that either violates laws or stretches them well beyond the boundaries of the spirit of the law.

These people could benefit from unconditional love along with perhaps a treatment and restitution plan, rather than being verbally assaulted. To be a compassionate human to anyone who has been caught in any lie, it is useful to look at the other as being in a state spiritual disarray or deficit.

These people who are unable to recognize their lack of honesty are in a state of confusion, suffering, mental collapse, or some condition that may have been undetected, undiagnosed or improperly assessed. They may, therefore, be a victim of not being seen as in danger, even by those closest to them. As a result, they are inadvertently being supported in their dysfunctional behavior and dishonesty.

But whenever these disorders or deficits of integrity are revealed, what that person needs most is an intervention by the caregivers, the helpers. They do not need a public shaming that is intended to be hurtful rather than helpful.

For a meaningful friendship to continue, the facts surrounding the circumstances of this type of failure of communication you have experienced must surface. It does not mean you must confront them in person, although I think that is often the best way to attain the most complete information.

Body language, eye contact avoidance, and pregnant pauses captured in person often reveal more than what may be embedded in a text, email, or letter. If distance is an issue, you can also consider a video call.

No matter what you find out, try to react with compassion and forgiveness rather than harbor a grudge that will deny healing for yourself and the other person.

All of us, except for the newborns, make mistakes throughout our lives, even when we do not think we are making them. Fixing them as we go, as my wise father said, is what sets things right, and grows peacemakers.