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“My boyfriend and I are in a slump. This past year each time a holiday or birthday came around it was like pulling teeth to get him to care or do anything. I do not need him to go overboard with his emotions or even with gift giving, though that would be lovely.
“I do not want to be the one to always have to initiate any plans for a special dinner or date. Unless I make the effort, it’s pretty dull. Where do we go from here?”
G: I’d say it is well past the time to have a talk about “the relationship.”
The cliché may be true that most men loathe talking about “the relationship” and women can’t talk enough about “the relationship” but it doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to find out where things are at, on several levels.
Some people can do just fine without expressions of affection and tenderness, the whole romance aspect of connecting. If you are not one of those people, you’re better off finding out now rather than later if those desires of yours are ever going to be fulfilled to your standard.
Not every man or woman is going to prioritize that higher degree of attention and outward devotion, but if the enthusiasm for this behavior has diminished and you want it back, you need to find out what has caused the change.
Initiate the conversation when you both have the time and are not distracted or tired. Express how you have noticed the change in him, by giving some specifics, such as when and how you needed to arrange for special times together.
Start with compassion rather than criticism. Do not whine on about what he is not doing for you. That has the buzzkill effect on productive communication. All it does is make him feel he is letting you down and gets him on the defensive.
It would be better to find out if he thinks he is depressed or is troubled about something that he has not shared with you. Let him know you would like to understand what might be going on that leaves him so flatlined, and seemingly disinterested about making something more of these occasions for celebration.
He may not be able to express fully why he is feeling or acting differently, but that does not mean you cannot convey how you would like to see things evolve. Perhaps suggest you both take time to plan or schedule any of these romantic times, so that he is not left figuring it all out by himself. Give him some ideas of what you think would be fine, fun and affordable so he doesn’t fear failing you again.
You have to be very clear about what you are wanting in a relationship, or from a romantic partner, in order for you to live at a level of satisfaction that actually meets your expectations more times than not. It is possible he knows what you want but no longer feels he is capable of meeting those needs and wants. Find out the why.
One of my oldest girlfriends told me something that helped sensitize me even more to the aging process. When she was in her fifties her husband thought she was having an affair. He had been too afraid for a
long time to confront her about it, so he suffered silently. Everything else about their relationship had been continuing nicely so he was also confused.
Then one day he summoned the courage and brought up the question of why she was no longer being intimate with him, and not showing any interest, not initiating any romantic time. He dared to broach the third rail of any monogamous relationship: infidelity.
She told him honestly that she was not having an affair, and then had to face the truth that what was really going on that she had become unaware of, was she was flatlined sexually. She told him that she never had any thoughts about it, that it never crossed her mind. This was a shocker to her. It made her feel terribly sad that she had been hurting her husband all that time and not realizing any of what he had been going through.
She made an appointment to see her doctor, who prescribed hormone replacement to offset the imbalance that was creating her lack of desire. With that problem solved, their marriage has remained strong into their eighties.
It helps to talk about even the most delicate concerns as soon as they appear. At any stage of a romance.
When I met my partner twenty-three years ago, I knew he was a skiing enthusiast. I made it clear to him that I knew I was likely never to ski again, saying I was 99.99999% certain. Not that I didn’t enjoy it when I had gone, but that I knew I was no longer interested in skiing. I had my reasons but those weren’t the point. I made sure he heard loud and clear more than once that if he was needing and wanting a ski partner in this romance, I was not the one.
I never wanted to be in a relationship where a basic desire was unmet. I knew I would be disappointing someone who had wanted, or else was expecting, something I was unwilling to provide. I also did not want to be pestered or hounded to change something that was not my “thing.”
That’s how clear I am talking about making your needs known, as well as your disappointments. Be sure you also give him an opportunity to air any needs or grievances. That conversation can be done as part of your concerns or kept separately as a part two, to be continued.
Unless you communicate these types of needs and wants to your boyfriend, you cannot be sure he hears you in his heart.
But, if he does hear you in his heart, you need to hear it in your mind and then make choices that work for you. Consider that your choices will also have an effect on his own fulfillment. These are not always easy decisions. It may mean that you are going to either lower your expectations, come to accept what you are getting from the relationship, or else decide to separate and find someone who meets you where you are instead of constantly trying to remake (often futile) what you have.
If you do stay together, try to prioritize doting on one another. It takes caring and romance to a whole ’nuther level of love.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.