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When a special girlfriend who was in her 50s got breast cancer the second time, I was there for much of her ordeal, even though I was living half a country away. Through a steady stream of cards, letters and phone calls I walked as closely as I could with her. I did a whole lotta listening.
Near the end of what was her multi-year battle, with her permission, I was able to spend 12 days caregiving for her at her home. What I saw and heard has stayed with me ever since.
Over those days I was able to get caught up with her suffering in ways I could not have anticipated. It was a roller coaster of both full throttle emotions and unvarnished confessions, all riding atop a fatigue that was indescribable. And yet, I had some of the most intimate and insightful conversations I have ever had with anyone other than myself.
Something I learned from her shortly before she died had to do with a certain way of being in the world. Unlike other things I have learned, this was something I have not had to actively practice because it was a teaching that just automatically became integrated in me. It was a special kind, that of kindness awareness.
You could say I got woke.
But at that time woke was not something she or I even knew about. Woke to us those decades ago wasn’t a thing – not to us, nor on social media as that did not yet exist. When she was in the end stages of dying, world-wide woke consciousness was still many years in the future.
Today, with some health tragedies being faced by several in my inner circle who have varying degrees of healthcare coverage, I have been reflecting on what my girlfriend taught me. Plus, with wokeness and selective outrage being unavoidable in the media, how I understand and apply her lesson enriches me even more, and may do the same for you.
She has widened my appreciation for the value in being woke.
Now for those readers who do not know what woke means or is all about, it should come as no surprise that many in this country and around the globe are in your camp of uncertainty or confusion. The word woke, and the implication of the word, seems to keep morphing.
Depending on which segregated campground you prefer your political positions and opinions be parked, woke can look as appealing and virtuous as a beachside National Park eco-touristy tent space, or as unappealing as a crowded asphalt lot for an overnight stay among similar carbon-polluting RVs.
Both types of campgrounds have their detractors and enthusiasts, who as members cannot wake to one another. Because ignorance about injustice is massive, the divide is massive.
Not being up, so-to-speak, on what injustices still exist, or what injustice can do, or look and feel like, or what is the best right way to correct any injustice, shouldn’t, in my playbook, be all that hard to grasp.
And yet.
My understanding of what the majority of the masses who are either inside the ring battling wokeness from either side, or who have the power to declare they hold the original rights to its meaning, it seems that the whole wokeness thing is yet another manufactured outrage designed to polarize and punish.
Ever since I reframed the death’s door lesson from my girlfriend, I can see that wokeness is about a whole lot more than a particular injustice, whether it be rooted, for example, in social problems like inequality, discrimination or a denial of one’s dignity.
In my spiritual playbook, being woke or not being woke has more to do with whether or not you have grown to become a person who is capable of exhibiting kindness, sensitivity, compassion, forbearance and any other virtue that combats ignorance and vile actions.
Through graceful empathy and, possibly, acts of forgiveness, those who are woke can be seen in the flesh, yes, awake to life.
But this does not mean that one who is woke will always know what the right thing to do or say is, especially when encountering brand new experiences. Take a sudden terminal illness diagnosis, for example.
Cancer is not just. Cancer is right there with injustice.
No one deserves this attack.
Yet, those who are in the fight for their survival against cancer find themselves in a sea of needless hurt, from things that others say, or do not do, for them.
The lesson my girlfriend was teaching me, even though she did not realize it at the time, had to do with her own cancer experience. She told me there was a list of 10 things she had been wanting to compile in a book, to let people know what not to say to a person who has cancer.
So, as it pertains to cancer, below is what I think being woke can mean in that sphere. Some of these points are insights from her breast cancer, others are from those dealing with chronic health conditions. These are gems that helped me understand some of the pain and awkwardness that pervades the nightmare they and countless others have endured:
1) If a woman tells you she has breast cancer or had a mastectomy, do not ask her which breast.
2) If a person tells you they have been diagnosed with cancer, do not ask them how much time they think they have left.
3) Everyone talks about your cancer “journey.” Good Lord, it’s a nightmare, not a journey.
4) Don’t give cancer patients blankets with encouraging words. The people who need blankets are homeless people.
5) Don’t offer unsolicited cancer advice. Most of the time any of your information is not pertinent to that person’s cancer type or treatment plan.
6) Don’t ask a cancer patient how they are doing. Just know it is rough, even on those days when they are not obviously outwardly suffering. Better to ask cancer patients if they would like to go with you, somewhere/anywhere, whether it be to the grocery store or to have you pick something up there for them. Or else volunteer to do an errand for them or help them with a task or paying a bill. Insurance, even for those who do have it, doesn’t cover every aspect of cancer treatments or chronic illnesses. Talk about injustice.
7) Don’t stop sharing your life with them because you think that your joys will bum them out. Your joys will bring them joy, and take their mind away from their nightmare for a time. So, bring something uplifting to the table, not your worry, pity and sadness about their condition.
For now I will stop at 7 of the 10. These are plenty enough to get you on your way to a new interpretation of what wokeness can look like and how you can practice loving kindness, which is what woke has always been about.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com