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Instead of addressing the unanimous jury verdict in Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski accident, which was all about telling the truth (for which I was happy, and may deal with next week) here’s something more “universally” pressing, but also about rising above your small self:
“It just turned spring and I am already dreading the year-end holidays. This is because the divisions of politics in my family have been exceeding the fever pitch for a few years running and the most recent developments have stirred the toxic pot.
“It was bad enough that several members of my immediate family were verbally abusive with one another over the COVID injections, masks and mandates. I cannot imagine facing another holiday dinner where insufferable ignorance and intolerance expands out with extended family when I have to pull out the table extensions. Ugh.
“What guidance do you have, and I’m curious to know what you are planning on doing if you are having to deal with these kinds of unpleasant gatherings?”
G: Fortunately, for many people practice makes more perfect. Looks to me like you’ve had much practice with miserable celebrations that have only gotten more miserable with time. You’ll need to dig deep into your spiritual and/or psychological practice, in order to withstand another assault, unless you make some serious modifications to your plans.
I can keep this short and sweet. First, do not host the dinners.
Second, declare as early as you can over the next few weeks that you are wanting to make changes to the holiday season. Let everyone know you are not going to be hosting.
No big explanations necessary, but if you decide you do want to get into it with some individuals that you feel you either owe an explanation to, or you actually would like to discuss your change in plans, go at it with self-empowerment rather than from the vantage point of victimization.
The self-empowerment is about recognizing what you are able to control and being assertive enough to implement what you can control. Example, if you host the dinners, you are forced to have people at your home, giving up virtually all control of the day. You’ll likely have the guests with you for much longer than you may want to have them around kvetching.
Who wants to listen to even one minute more of squabbling, or see displays of unkindness spill out across your table like a cornucopia basket that’s overfilled with spoiled food?
The victimization pedestal is where you host lousy guests anyway and then get to play the martyr.
As for me, the only people that get to sit at my table are peacemakers and members of my fan club. By that I mean, I get to control the guest list and choose only those who are not a Judas, aka one who betrays a friendship, spits on my generosity, or have not transcended a meanspirited nature through the hard work of accountability.
The only dinner table I ever truly want to sit at, other than the one that is in my home, is where there are people who are not going to pick fights or be aggressive with me or anyone else.
This means I prioritize breaking bread with people who enjoy me, laugh at my jokes and have accepted me unconditionally.
You can do the same.
The beauty of some of these kinds of gatherings is that even though I know some of my guests do not understand or accept a word of my spiritual practices or dietary choices (I do not eat birds of any kind, nor do I eat beef, lamb, pork, game, etc.), I do not require that they have to understand or accept.
They know that I am with them because I trust I will not let our differences ruin my life. I get to control who and what may ruin my life, and it is not anyone who doesn’t vote like I vote, eat like I eat, or take care of their personal hygiene and health as I do.
The reason my life is peaceful is because I choose to keep the “bad” actors from crossing my threshold. You can do the same, it just means you have to be willing to isolate or remove yourself from those who are not willing to play nicely in your sandbox, or play nicely period.
Decades ago, I learned that unless I lay down the peace law, the rule that only peaceful people are allowed in my space, I am only enabling dysfunction to flourish. That, or else I am helping to slow down someone’s accountability, for them to have that come-to-Jesus moment, as they say.
The reason there is so much discord around holiday time and tables, that has been spreading to other celebrations and at more times of the year, is because many people have forgotten how to prioritize what matters most.
I recently read about a woman who died from injuries suffered during a plane trip. From the 3-26 NYTimes piece about Dana Hyde: “In a eulogy for Ms. Hyde delivered by Mr. Chambers’s oldest son, he dismissed the idea of living each day as if it were your last. “I now realize that’s wrong,” the son said according to Mr. Chambers. “You should live each day as if it were the last of someone you love.”
I suggest you try carrying that realization in your waking awareness even a wee bit more than you currently do. Do this whether you are at a holiday table or in any social, professional or family setting. You might look at the irritations of ignorance generated by those you do share the plate and planet with – and who do not share your sensibilities – as displays of their smallest-self stuff.
Their smallest-self stuff really doesn’t matter to you in the big scheme of things. As you shift to surrounding yourself with those who bring light, love and peace to your threshold, meals and embrace, you’ll see what I mean.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com