Tell Giselle: More on the no-no Cancer List

My 75 column in this series included seven suggested points concerning cancer. This was an incomplete list of what not to say, what not to do, what to do, with and for someone you know has cancer. These are applicable whether it is a newly diagnosed case or if the person is further along in that disease process.

I have been asked to share the remainder of the list, but first this needs just a bit of context.

The list began when a dear friend of mine was in the end stages of her breast cancer. By end stages, I mean days before her life ended. That is a particularly unique period of time that can present a loved one or caregiver with some of the most precious, meaningful and life-altering moments one will ever know. And so it was for me when my friend began expressing her desire to have written a book, which she never got around to doing.

Sure enough we all know there are countless healthy or ill people who have been wishing they had written a book, whether it be their book of wisdom or else any creative expression spotlighting, for example, photographs, artwork, poems or fiction. This is usually thought of as a legacy project, one that leaves evidence of their personhood, or uncelebrated fabulousness.

I can’t count how many times I have heard this desire being expressed by aspiring writers who do not know where to start, but still want to write a book that would be regarded as worthy of the time and effort it would demand of them.

The ache to get “it” – whatever the it is – out of the most interior closet of one’s mind and into the light, seems to me to be a most powerful urge. It might be right up there with desiring water when thirsty and having a soft pillow when weary.

You may be one example of that plenitude. To that I say, get on with it.

My girlfriend’s book was to address the ten things she wanted everyone to know, specifically about what it is like to be a cancer patient whose boundaries are disrespected due to ignorance and insensitivity. She had been compiling a list that she hoped others would take to heart and then share with their circle, so that they would not make the kind of mistakes that too often cause unintentional hurt and misunderstanding.

So having that as a foundation, here are the remaining three, with the caveat that there may be others that are revealed later:

8) Do not ask the cancer patient why they think they got cancer.

They may on their own come around to telling you of this that or the other thing about the origin, but to ask them is to invade a space of intimacy that is off-limits unless one is invited. During those last days with my girlfriend, she told me she believed she gave herself breast cancer

to end her life so she could escape an abusive marriage. Yes, I was shocked and heartbroken for I knew this was her truth and it was not unique to her. My father told me he believed his Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma (cancer of the lymph system) was caused by toxic chemical exposure while on the job. These truths did not help cure either of them, but the moment they told me I knew I had offered a comfort to them, that of knowing I was there to hear a part of the book of their life story. I continue to bring their information to others in the belief others may benefit from knowing there are infinite reasons for cancer to exist, and, like many of our experiences, we may not always know the why of it even when we search in earnest.

9) Do not offer up prayers to a cancer patient unless you ask first, or know with certainty that the gesture is going to be received in the loving spirit with which a prayer may be offered.

I realize this may sound terribly harsh, but here’s something to consider: not everyone wants to hear that you are praying for them. Why? It’s often bigger than the assumption that the cancer patient is not a believer in a supernatural force that has any design over their life. Many cancer patients are believers with strong faith that some Higher Will will be done. Yet a good many of those same patients receive the gesture of being prayed for, or over, as an intrusion and trespass into their own agency, of their body, mind, heart and spirit. For some believers, this may seem ludicrous. Many cancer patients see those acts of praying for them as a last-ditch panic attempt that saddens them. That’s the moment when prayers are desperate expressions, taking on the heavy garb of pity no cancer patient welcomes from others. Best not to replace the cancer patient’s private theatre of hope, which houses their dreams for a restoration of wholeness pre-diagnosis. You can still pray for them if you like, but the option is to do it in silence.

10) Rather than continuing to share your burdens, problems and fears, leave those complaints at the feet of someone who actually has the stamina and ability to be of help to you.

Those with cancer often experience a remarkable shift in their priorities, and recalibrate what is important or worthy of their time and energy. Even if you are asked by the person with cancer how you are doing, consider whether or not elaborating on any of your “issues” is the best way to spend your time together. Not only will it remove the pressure on the ill person to give when they are not up to giving, this practice may just be the gut check you most need: to realize what matters most and be able to keep in mind there but for the grace…

To read the previous seven suggestions, go to https://www.timesleader.com/features/1602411/tell-giselle-being-woke-is-being-up-close-and-personal-to-what-is-broke