Tell Giselle: Apologizing has no expiration date

“About 15 years ago I declined to go to the wedding of one of my closest friends. Well before the RSVP was due, I informed her I could not attend, said I was sorry, and gave her a couple of reasons connected to my finances for why it just wasn’t possible.

“I could tell when I spoke with her on the phone, these reasons did not sit well with her, but she did not make a big stink. Since then our friendship has never been quite the same.

“Is it too late to apologize again for why I felt I could not go?”

G: Apologies are like a fine wine in that they often can soften, even sweeten, with age. But sometimes with any apology that is not sincere, is forced or misdelivered, like wine that corks, the gesture will sour things even more than ever before.

With time there usually comes a revisionist history of the events that brought up the potential need for an apology.

The short answer to your question is “No,” but keep reading.

You do not need to offer yet another apology or explanation as to why you could not, or did not want to, attend her big celebration. She is a player in your emotional drama, whether she knows it or not, and it is time to drop the curtain on your one-person play, or else invite her onstage.

You still can choose to offer an apology, and there would be no harm on your part in doing so, that is if it is done with proper care.

Often the outcome of an apology is a matter of what you may want to accomplish with it, and how ready the potential recipient is to receive a mea culpa.

If by bringing this incident up with her you are hoping for some kind of a positive reset to your friendship, even thinking it could improve it to the point it gets restored to the pre-wedding days, then I think it is best to include that in your apology.

If you are bringing this up because you tend to hold on to and carry guilt like you are a master sherpa, hauling decomposing waste, then you also need to own up to the baggage you have been lugging around. Include this in your apology, letting her know you need to unload this guilt for your own mental health and peace.

The key here is there has got to be some understanding in yourself, first, as to your motivation, before you can create the kind of healing that will be of value to both of you.

For all you know, sometime after her wedding she may have come to a deeper understanding of your decision, and may have found herself in a similar awkward situation. If that occurred, she may have chosen not to look back and unearth old issues with you. But had she felt she had not handled her disappointment the right way, she could have come to you and apologized to you for being less than warm with you at the time. I have often said, “the phone rings at both ends.”

You do not know any of what she has been thinking about this issue or non-issue, because neither of you have addressed it.

The reality check for grownups is simple, but worth remembering: Emotions during wedding preps are best to be looked at with a long lens.

Perspective will usually help us to see that we are not always our best selves when we are going through significant transitions, whether they be a job change, a move, a pregnancy, a divorce, or even when dieting.

We may deny ourselves and others peace because we forget that forgiveness is best given at, or soon after, the moment we realize it is required. This happens whenever we slow down enough to neutralize the emotional excess, and allow ourselves to get out of our own way so we stop holding on to needless suffering.

When we can express a level of compassion for those who we have either fallen out of synch with, or who may have co-created pain through a misunderstanding or miscommunication, that is the time to be the peacemaker.

Now, back to the point you made about your finances. I learned long ago that everyone affords what it is they want to afford. It’s funny how some people will state or complain about not being able to afford this that or the other thing, and yet when you look at their spending more closely you see that they have made clear decisions on what they are willing to spend their money on.

And so it is with you. You are under no obligation to explain your spending preferences, or itemize your budget, or make any excuses to a friend for why you do not feel you are flush enough to make her or anyone else’s wedding, or contribute to an office gift, or pick up the tab for someone’s lunch or dinner unless you want to do that.

Truth be told, only you know why you don’t have the money. It’s no one else’s business.

Going forward, if you are unwilling or unable to participate in someone’s celebration just be direct. State with your sincere regret that you are unable to attend, and hope that your relationship can endure the disappointment. These types of glitches do not need to get under your skin like a chigger. Try to remember this the next time someone declines your invite.