Tell Giselle: Self-censoring comes at a stiff price

“My father voted twice for someone I do not support. I don’t intend to ask him, but should I find out he votes in the primary the same way, I see no other option but to cut myself away from him. Doing that means I lose out on an inheritance. That infuriates me. What can I do to not be cut out from money that I surely can use?”

G: Let’s start with what really is at stake. You may be surprised to learn it is not the next voting cycle.

If you have been living your life in such a way that you are self-censoring because you do not want to be cut out of a will, I believe you have way bigger problems worth focusing on than a vote.

Begin with this truth: It did not take the coronavirus pandemic to show us that we all are tested numerous times over a variety of issues, some being material and financial problems and some that may be ideological or spiritual. Elections are just another one of the many test opportunities that some folks fail, others will pass.

Well before these situations arise, it is up to you to examine yourself through a serious interrogation. Determine what your values are, question why you hold them and decide how you want to embody them.

Another truth from my reality playbook: No adult is guaranteed an inheritance. It is advisable to disabuse yourself right quick of the notion that you exist, therefore you inherit.

Not depending on, or expecting anything from, anyone in terms of generosity or inheritance, will force you to buck yourself up. But first, stop seeing your relationship as a son as transactional. This pivot is about investing in yourself, and not your relationship with anyone else.

Immediately reprioritize some things, including contributing as much as you can to retirement or savings accounts. If you are not already living within your means, get real with your budget and tighten it up. Hopefully this more mature behavior will help to humble you. It may underscore how fortunate you are to live in this country. Here there are still ample opportunities for you to use your talents in the service of growing a nest egg for that rainy day that will surely coming.

Knowing when to hold your tongue, and when to share your knowledge is wisdom; Your truth is not necessarily everyone’s business. Sharing it could mean you may needlessly put at risk this or any other relationship, your employment and even your freedom.

You cannot, for example, while standing in the security check line at the airport, make jokes that are off-color or are about bombs and terrorism. You cannot say threatening or aggressive things without consequence. Even not responding to a question can cause you to be removed from the airplane. See https://www.latimes.com/travel/la-tr-fly-guy-20180514-story.html

Bottom line here is you have got to be clear on what price you are willing to pay to live with honest speech and integrity. Ask yourself if forfeiting an assumed or “anticipated” inheritance is worth also losing everything else that is valuable about the relationship with your father, and with anyone else in your family that may reject you for that move.

Are you really OK with playing a long game for money, money that you may not ever get? Are you OK with pretending to be warm and fuzzy in a relationship that is greatly disturbing to you, where views may or may not be based on facts, but rather on ignorance, opinion, hearsay and propaganda?

This may bring it home for you: A social situation I was in turned to politics. Instead of removing myself from the conversation by excusing myself to another room, which is sometimes the best option for me, I chose to state my position instead of biting my tongue.

“I don’t want to hear about it,” was one blunt retort, spoken in a voice of disdain. What followed were a few pointed barbs, about what was wrong with the person I had just expressed some enthusiastic interest about.

I knew from the emotional outburst I should just let the person continue to speak, if I had any hope of defusing the tension and directing the conversation to a more mutually gratifying exchange of ideas.

Often a first good step is to let someone get off their chest what they are thinking. This usually helps them feel they are at least being heard, if not also respected. By doing what I call “good listening” I was also able to determine they were insufficiently informed and are not interested in a deep dive.

Bummer discovery.

They essentially were admitting they are not dialed into current events, and certainly not to the degree that I am. News junkie they are not. This gave me all I needed to know, for how to proceed with the discussion.

It will always be somewhat of a risk to let your personal positions and ideas be known, to those who do not agree with you, but especially with those who do not have the capacity to understand complex, or nuanced thinking. With that exchange I reinforced my comfort and ability to wade through the muck of awkward, emotional disagreements.

Part of the reason for that is I am hopeful that my encounters are opportunities to reveal greater knowledge about life or about people. These are chances to expand my understanding. So rather than retreat, self-censor or go mum, I permit my curiosity and interest to guide my engagement.

Those who seek me out do so because they know I have given great thought to what I say and write. I choose my sources of research carefully and I invest much time in going directly to the source.

In politics there are those who are content being one issue voters and this may be the situation with your father. It could be helpful to find that out.

Listen but do not judge prematurely. This unfortunately is not the default stance of many people.

Undeterred, I stated calmly that my support was primarily about peacemaking, prioritizing that over any of the controversial positions being bandied about. Immigration, medical treatments, all the culture war issues, involve violating the tenet “do not do to someone that which you do not want done to you.”

Peacemaking commences with that tenet.

Applying that maxim can help you to face this test with your father. As effective is reversing the roles; What would you want him to do with you?

If you start with that you may see that drawing harsh red lines doesn’t just mean the end of something, it can mean the beginning of something even better: Peace. It’s way more valuable than money.