Click here to subscribe today or Login.
“I recently came into some money that I had been expecting for a while. My husband really wants us to use it to invest in a second property. We would be there only a small part of the year. We both work, and he will retire before I do in a few years.
“I am excited about getting a vacation place at the beach. The good thing is we agree on where we would want to buy. The problem is that he wants to let our family and friends use the place, pretty much whenever we are not wanting to be there exclusively by ourselves.
“I am really not happy with that idea at all. I can already see that it would get overused. We have a large extended family as it is, and then add in our good friends. This will be costly and I would be responsible for the upkeep.
“We are at a standstill, till I think my husband thinks I’ll give in to him. How can I convince him that his open sharing policy is setting us up for some big headaches?”
G: First, congrats on having the financial means to indulge yourself. How you came upon this money, whether through inheritance, investments, or a company perk, I am glad you are defining this as your money.
Why? Because that means you will ultimately get the final word on what the terms of this investment will be for both of you. That does not mean that you should not be considerate of your husband’s input and needs, and factor those into your decision, but the bottom line is this is ultimately your call.
That is how the game of finances go in the real world. What’s yours is yours. And what you decide to do with what is yours says as much about your respect for the integrity of your marriage, your personal finances, and your sense of fairness, as it does about your generosity.
Having said that, your disagreement with your husband about your windfall can easily develop into a threshold issue that can jeopardize your intimacy. This future purchase is already creating some discord between you, and the suffering it can bring to your marriage, even before you put in an offer on a beach retreat, is nearly unlimited.
It is important that you navigate your communication with him, and your decision, with great caution.
Money, like sex, is one of those awfully sticky challenges in relationships. It’s a delicate tango of not only figuring out each other’s steps, but deciding on who has to bend the furthest to meet the other’s needs, and how often.
Many marriages falter under the pressure of not enough money or sex. But many marriages falter just as easily when there is an excess of either. Sometimes it takes the cash windfall, whether expected or unexpected, to show a couple where they stand in relationship to each other and their material aspirations. These tensions can quickly spill over to your intimacy.
In addition to that stress on your relationship, part of the difficulty with having a second place, especially when it is located in a highly desirable spot, is that saying “No” is not always a comfortable position to be put in by those we love and care about. Your husband may be less comfortable declining others than you
are, so open that up for discussion. Is he the one that is going to be saying “No” to others, or does he expect you to be the buzz kill?
Before you even get to the stage where you are looking at actual properties to buy, there may already be those in your circle who know about your plans. If that’s the case, don’t be surprised to learn that they are already eager to have access to the beach.
It is a good idea to begin tempering any of those visions of freebie vacations as soon as possible. But before you say anything, it would be a good idea to let your husband know that you are going to get the word out now, that you are not going to have a revolving door of guests, with or without you there.
You do not need to explain to anyone what your reasons are, just be clear with your friends and family that you are getting a place as a retreat for you and your husband. You can mention that you are not planning on renting it out to anyone.
Figure out for yourself, and then with your husband, how many “guests” you both are comfortable sharing your place with. Work out on what terms, such as length of stay, dates, and whether or not they can bring their pets.
Let’s make the reasonable assumption that you likely will need to hire a house cleaning service after each stay. One way to handle this, without it becoming awkward, is to let your “guests” know in advance that you would need for them to pick up that expense. Do some homework and find out what fees are typical in that area. Tell them the cost so there won’t be any surprises.
Should they seem surprised, gripe or balk at this, well then you are right to think that they may not be suitable “guests” for your place. You can always reconsider any invitations.
Money is often an indicator of where a relationship, a friendship, stands. Do not be surprised if there are those in your circle who may begrudge your boundaries. Some may come around to understand and accept the limitations on the use of your beach retreat. But do be generous where you are certain to feel good about it, instead of becoming resentful or regretful.
Let your husband know that your goal is to keep the beach a place of peace, not stress, and hopefully he will come around to seeing it more your way.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com