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A long-married man with a few children wants to know what is the normal frequency for having sex, as his relationship is going through some “stuff.” An unmarried woman in a seemingly stable and monogamous relationship, who is not a parent, wants to know what is considered the “normal number of times a week”.
G: If there were one correct answer for this it is possible there would be greater peace and harmony in the world. But alas, there is no one correct answer, just as there is no one right answer for what is the normal frequency for eating.
It’s a lot easier to consider the opposite: what is the “abnormal” frequency, and then attempt to come to some “general” consensus. But that is not what is presented here.
This “normalcy” question is an indication of a confusion and/or dissatisfaction with the state of the sex life, or perhaps a need to get to a less painful place.
Whenever I have been asked about what is “normal” behavior, particularly when it pertains to relationships that are in conflict or imbalance, I know a great deal of details may not be on the table. So to get to a practical answer takes work, time, and trust plus the willingness to want to know things that may be shocking or uncomfortable.
Once learned, information often requires, can even demand, that a person implement changes. This may involve the cessation of doing the same repetitive things, behaviors that have not produced any degree of satisfaction or happiness that are being sought.
Not surprising, it takes a high comfort level for many people to reveal to me what they sexually do, or want. It requires vulnerability and honesty. It also takes time to sort it all out, to see how they got to this moment of distress or uncertainty.
Maturing into a sex life that is beneficial is a process of discovering, through trial and error and through communication, what feels best, what makes sense, what aligns with one’s goals and intentions, what can create peace and health. Or undermine all of the above.
Putting aside any of the sexual behaviors that are deemed legally or societally unacceptable, a functioning “normal” sex life can vary to such a wide degree over the course of one’s life that it only makes sense for me to begin with examining the phase of life, and emotional state, these people are in now.
Hormones change over time. Interests change. Health status changes. Job, career, or parental status or other relationship obligations such as caregiver role to a parent or other loved one, changes over time. Radically change.
Sexual interest maybe not change as often as weather, but certainly one’s shifting interest can become as quickly disruptive to one’s state of happiness as storm clouds are to a beach bum.
It is valuable to figure out as early as one can, just what one’s level of interest is in even having a mutually satisfying sex life. What would that look like? Not from the perspective of what the other person or person’s desire or need is, but from the vantage point of one’s own.
Ask yourself how important is a sex life to you? Then, consider what you are willing to do or not do, in order to create and sustain that.
Many people I have counseled are so focused on attaining a romantic relationship, so fixated on being desired by the other, they will consciously or unconsciously put their own sexual desire/interest/needs/considerations off to the “side”. They will instead choose to just show up for the other person at the level the other person indicates they either want, need, demand or expect.
In my playbook, that’s just an unhealthy way to live. I am not saying one must instead always put oneself first over the other in the romantic or sexual relationship. What I am saying is that putting someone first ahead of your own understanding, or awareness of, what is appropriate and necessary for your own spiritual, mental and physical wellbeing is unwise.
Consider the example of being on an airplane and getting the instruction to first put your own facemask on for the air that it will provide, before you attempt to attend to another’s need of a facemask.
What I think is often missing from the sexual frequency or sex life discussion, or even with our basic sex education, are critical details.
One’s sex life will morph not only over time, but ebb and flow simply as the result of an organic process. This process is directly affected by one’s level of bodily knowledge, sexual experiences, the development of spiritual and ethical influences or understanding, and a partner’s availability/capability that may or may not be in one’s control.
I can recall a relative telling me that her sex life with her husband changed shortly after he started a business. Prior to that, there was greater frequency, even a sense of more urgency from her husband to have sex with her. Once a businessman, that all changed.
People do prioritize lots of other activities over sex. I am not talking about intentionally celibate people, or those who are physically incapable of engaging in sexual relations. Sex with another person, for some people, is just an extra activity in a line of energy expenditures, rather than being a primary or required activity.
If you are not one of those people, then I think it is essential to sort out where on the spectrum you dwell. Where does an active sex life fit in your view of being fulfilled?
This may require the involvement of a physician or therapist who can help you assess where on the sexual spectrum you fit. How comfortable you feel about your choices and experiences may take a skilled professional, or even a trusted friend, to sort out. Someone other than your sexual partner, can facilitate helping you assess whether or not the changes that have occurred with your own body and mind, or your partner’s body and mind, need further consideration.
There is no one right answer, but coming to your own is a process worth undertaking.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.