Tell Giselle: Health decisions start well before a crisis

“My wife was diagnosed with a form of cancer that we were told is operable. She is resistant to having surgery and I have not been able to convince her to schedule with the surgeon. I am angry that she is not wanting to do everything possible. Any words?”

G: Having been on both sides of these conversations with people I have counseled as well as in my personal life I have some understanding of what this feels like. It falls along the same end of the spectrum of having “irreconcilable differences” and what a sour pickle that feels like to be in.

When it comes to a life-threatening disease or condition that overturns our expectations and hopes for our future, this becomes an even greater opportunity for all of the unresolved “differences” between one another to surface.

Whenever I have been unsuccessful at persuading someone to “see it my way” after I have given the facts as I know them to be with my clearest communication, it tells me they do not have the ears to hear me.

This may be where your wife is at.

For now, anyway.

She may be so caught up in the shock and fear of the diagnosis she is having to deal with that she is not in a place of mind to grasp all of the options with all of their consequences. These kinds of surprise medical realities can paralyze a person’s ability to make a decision with the same confidence, agency and urgency that they have displayed at other times in their life.

What is required of you spiritually, from my perspective, is to be with her at the level that she is now, not at the level that you want her to be.

By level I am referring metaphorically to her eye level. The vantage point that she is seeing her world from. That could be from inner chaos, confusion, uncertainty, but also with the sense that she may have about her situation that she has not expressed yet to you.

She may believe that anything that is done is not going to be able to return her to her pre-cancer status.

Your obligation to her is not to convince her of surgery, but rather to deal with your own emotional reaction to this new health status. Why do I say this? Your anger, whether you display it with impatience, bitter words, a raised voice, withdrawal of affection, silence or any passive aggressive responses, is hurting both of you. But mostly you.

When in a state of anger, a person shrinks their capacity not only to be kind and compassionate, they halt any forward movement toward living fully in the awareness and appreciation of their life. All the good and glory that has been known gets burned to ash from that inner friction.

Anger neutralizes any spiritual advance and impedes the benefits of wisdom that would otherwise manifest from each challenge one is presented with.

You are not going to help her mentally or emotionally, much less spiritually, if you persist in arguing your case for surgery or holding steady with your anger. This is not the time to try to get “your way” or “your need” met.

You are tasked now with looking at all the ways you can support her choice. You can do this while knowing that she may still change her mind. But she may not. But she may. Keep that in mind as it often shifts hour to hour, day to day.

And then use her diagnosis as your opportunity to review your own mind and heart. Should you have been the one to get a cancer diagnosis, how do you want those around you to communicate with you? What kind of involvement or support do you want, or think you will need?

Now that you are where you are with her, can you see that any time being upset with her or angry is only stealing precious hours when you could be leaning in to her, being the partner you each had hoped would be there for one another when you married?

It is not easy dealing with any serious health challenge, our own or a loved one, whether it is a short-term illness or not. What is easy is to stop long enough, that could be for only the length of time it takes to read this, to recognize that we are all where we are, which is not at the same place as one another.

We are to stop trying to muscle our way to a different reality.

What we are to do is help one another where we can, and love one another unconditionally.

That will require you focus on your new reality. You have a partner who is going through a brutal struggle that is forcing you to reevaluate your response to this change. You can choose to see it as an opportunity to grow closer to her, instead of choosing to push her away with your own need to control her or change her mind.

Then share with family and friends – all those who may also be trying to strong arm her into their fight for “saving” her life – the truth that there is a better way to love and support her. That may include giving them this column to get them on the team.