Tell Giselle: The unbearable toll secrets take

“I need to talk about something but you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

G: This is the comment that preceded a heartbreaking story told to me recently. I’ve heard it too many times to count. I bet you have too. You might have even uttered that sentence several times over the past year to a family member or to a close friend.

Having been a counselor for decades I can say it is the type of sentence that carries a penalty far greater than those uttering it ever realize in the moment it emerges from their lips.

I will address that point further below, but first I want to recommend a few ways to handle that request the next time it penetrates your own ears.

My advice does not apply to lawyers, the clergy, government officials or to any professionals who have taken an oath of confidentiality while they are operating within the boundaries of those jobs. However, it does apply to all of those individuals, and to anyone else, when it concerns their personal relationships.

Should someone want you to vow to them that you will not divulge what is essentially a secret, feel free to respond by asking them this: Does what you are about to say involve the violation of a law?

If it does break the law, then you are under no spiritual obligation to promise them confidentiality. Tell them that straight up, and see what they want to divulge.

Step two: Ask them if in the telling of this secret they are violating their own personal code of conduct.

If their answer is no, then feel free to proceed, but as you are taking in their story, realize you have the power and obligation to stop them whenever you feel you have heard “enough.” No one is forcing you to endure hearing what may ultimately be hurtful gossip, or worse a collusion into someone’s chaotic, destructive behavior or delusion.

Here is another reason why you can say stop, without guilt: You are being asked to take on a burden of secrecy with a ridiculously long expiration date. The problem with those terms of engagement is that secrets usually contain within them a disturbing volume of rotting material that breeds further dis-ease – not only yours, but also what has been residing within the person who initially generated the secret.

These intimate confidences often involve a multitude of other people, who may or may not yet be privy to the secret. As is often the outcome with ugly secrets, eventually a bunch of people are going to experience the discomforts that come with any contagious disease.

Now, back to the problem that began this particular counseling session. It concerned the details of a seasoned friendship that was layered with betrayals of trust and dishonesty. One might expect this of a teen who is thrashing over the collapse of a first crush, but not someone old enough to be a grandparent. And yet.

That this degree of deception has been carried out by a respected professional, highlights the reality that spiritual maturity is a life-long practice. Some folks, even those we think we know really well and believe would be incapable of such violations, may tend to dismiss any role of spiritual reckoning or think it is okay to put it off for a while longer.

That is where we all start off, but we have the option of not living as an adult – or coming to the end our lives – as ignorant and clueless.

Fix your mistakes as you go and you’ll be alright, my father taught me.

That involves helping others to fix theirs, whenever possible and appropriate.

Just know that if you choose to hold on to another person’s secrets, you may inadvertently be delaying their spiritual evolution. The goal here is to heal, and not perpetuate illnesses or pain of any kind. As long as you agree to holding such a secret, particularly the rotting secrets, you are running counter to peacemaking.

Should you take on the burden of the secret for whatever reason makes sense to you, remain steady with compassion for the person experiencing the distress. What is best to withhold in the moment is any tone of judgment or hurtful critique. You’re only getting part of the picture now and more information later may alter how you initially feel about the situation or the person confiding in you.

It is typical that we will reveal secrets whenever we have gotten to the point where we are no longer sure of the right road to take. Or else we have come to realize we’ve gotten in over our heads and actually want help to resolve the problem in the best way possible.

You may not in that moment have the solution to someone’s dilemma, but you do have the choice not to increase their pain by supporting misguided ways of living. You can be helpful by just reminding a person to look at who they want to be, and ask them to compare it with how they have been conducting themselves.

Perhaps there are books you can suggest that have been of value to you. Point them in the direction of a counselor or even a lawyer who has helped either you or someone close to you. What you don’t want to do is give them the impression that you are going to be the soft pillow they think they can land on as they opt on floundering or fleeing from their accountability.