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“I learned that my friend has been unfaithful to her partner. Multiple times over a number of years. She let me know that this has been the pattern, and that her partner is unaware. She claims she does not want to end their relationship, but just wants to have that ‘more’. Whatever that more means to her, I didn’t inquire.
“She said she isn’t planning on telling her partner. I am torn up by this. It is one of the kinds of things that I cannot cram back into the bottle. At the same time, I do not want to pass judgment.
“I have experienced being unfaithful. I do not regret it or any of my mistakes because I learned a lot about myself. I believe I had to learn the hard way to grow up and am wondering if she is going through that sort of thing now.
“I feel like I can’t handle this privately and keep it a secret but I know I must. Now what?”
G: A number of years ago I might respond with a “Yikes!” Nowadays, after having heard this from so many people I can only say, “Give it time.”
By that I mean, there is nothing you absolutely must do immediately. You are under no spiritual obligation to act the instant you hear of a betrayal or deception, unless of course it is something that concerns breaking the law.
What you can do, without divulging any of your own personal experience with betrayal, is offer your friend the compassion that she is clearly seeking. For her to divulge to you now, instead of sometime over the past years, tells me she is needing to work “something” out in her head and heart.
Generally speaking, we tend to carry by ourselves our deeply private confusions, and drag them around like a piano for quite a while. It’s when we are nearing a breaking point, or waking up and climbing to another higher rung on the spiritual ladder, that we seek others to help carry our burden or show us how to resolve it by putting it down, leaving it behind, or replacing it with the truth.
You can choose to expand the conversation with her and suggest that she seek a therapist to work out the forces that are compelling, or driving her, to go after the “more.” She may have unmet needs, but she may also be dealing with complex sexual issues that are driven by, for example, inadequate self-esteem/self-worth, earlier sexual abuse, or sex addiction.
You can also suggest to her that you have a limited capacity to carry this “secret”, and are uncomfortable continuing to be in a friendship with her and her partner, if you do socialize as a group. You don’t have to give her an ultimatum.
You can offer to her the reality check that she is potentially putting her and her partner at a health risk by her sexual activity.
But what you cannot do is change her ways. That will be up to her.
As to how you will feel about her if she does not receive your input well, is up to you. She may regard your reaction as a betrayal and she may pull away from you for at least awhile. If that happens then you will know that her choice is not in alignment with how you want to live your life and it’s best that you realize that now.
Just know that it may take her time to come around and act on your suggestions. Allow for a few months for her to get to working out these complex issues, without feeling like you have to do anything more.
If after a few months you bring up the issue and find that things are basically where they have been, I think you will have an even clearer idea of what you need to do, and you won’t feel the burden you feel today.
When I was growing up my wise grandmother essentially said this to me: “Be careful who your friends are. If they limp, soon you will be too.” She wasn’t talking literally; limp for her meant any behavior that is spiritually misguided or negates wellbeing. The warning for me was that type of “limp” is contagious and could be dangerous.
What my grandmother did not tell me is that there would be times I may find myself limping and not fully realize it, and that I would need some wiser/stronger/compassionate teacher or guide to come into my life and help realign me with my highest self.
You may, whether you realize it in this moment or not, be playing that role for your friend. It is up to you to decide whether or not you want to take on that task, or whether or not you feel like you have the heart and the tools to hold compassion and truth up for her to embrace.
Consider these things and then choose the role you feel is best for you at this time. But whatever you choose, if you show your compassion clearly to her, you will increase the odds that healing and peace can prevail.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com