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“I heard a story about someone who had committed a crime and shortly before they died confessed to a relative. Even after the person died it still took many months before this information was revealed to any of those directly involved, or given to the authorities.
“At a birthday party I was talking about this and I was surprised that not everyone was in agreement with how to handle deathbed confessions. What do you think is the right way to go about something like this, or when you learn of any type of damaging secret or trespass?”
G: I have been privy to many a “secret” and have given some thought to the potential effect of deathbed confessions.
My general rule of thumb for such a challenge is to follow my wise father’s guidance. On his deathbed he told me to “fix your mistakes as you go and you’ll be alright”.
By that he meant, get to fixing the minute you realize you’ve made a mistake. Delaying or avoiding the fix was not how he wanted me to live. But even more important than that was he wanted me to know that making mistakes is inevitable, that it’s normal and expected, as we are not perfect and not expected to be, nor should we make perfection the ultimate goal.
How this would play out in a deathbed confession that has any legal implications is to alert the authorities as soon as possible. I realize there are situations where friends or family members are reluctant to do that, as they do not want to see their loved one put behind bars, but not to make things right is not an option in my spiritual playbook. And that means even if you have to turn someone you love in to the authorities for them to be held accountable.
About twenty years ago I had to end a meaningful friendship when I learned the person’s father, and perhaps the mother, had stolen a tremendous sum of money. Over decades of business, they had cheated on their taxes and lied on other forms, and directly involved my friend. Despite my pleas, my friend, now my former friend, refused to turn her parents in to the police.
Had I been in possession of the actual documentation that would prove the crimes, as opposed to just a friend’s admission, I would have turned the parents in myself. Since I did not, I knew there was nothing else I could do but walk away from a long, loving relationship.
Ultimately, this all comes down to the rule to not do to someone that which you do not want done to you.
So, in the case of a person who committed a crime and confessed about it shortly before they died, it would require that the new carrier of that secret needs to try to make it right, if possible, with the people who were wronged.
That is what it looks like to be in alignment with the highest good, and what we would want done if we were harmed by a crime or violation.
No doubt we would want someone who could fix it, or else we would want to let the system of justice, that may be beyond our personal ability, to commence ASAP.
One caveat… Delayed justice is not really the accountability system I want to adopt here, but an important qualifier could be the “better late than never” compromise. It is similar to the hierarchy of giving, in that any fully anonymous giving – meaning the giver is not known to the recipient and the recipient is not known to the giver – is considered to be the high standard of that practice.
A “lower” level, yet still an admirable behavior, giving to someone or to a community in need, but making the request that one’s name be on the gift card or side of the hospital or stadium. You get the idea. There are degrees of ideal that we can strive to attain.
So, someone finally getting around to notifying the authorities is better than taking that secret to their own grave, but I’d put it in a “lower” level of correct spiritual action.
That there is divergence of opinion on this is unsurprising. Just like a toddler doesn’t know the appropriate, or socially acceptable rules, not everyone has had enough experience, innate desire, and/or knowledge to behave at the highest level of humanity’s potential for goodness.
Whenever I am among people and the conversation is flowing, it is pretty easy for me to discern who is struggling to reveal their understanding of the virtues of empathy and compassion. Giving a dispensation is often a result of one’s capacity for unconditional tolerance and forgiveness.
I see many individuals who have yet to reconnect with an innocent phase, the purity that we all began life with. They may have chosen to abandon their original being at some point along the way, and decided for now not to work on recapturing their innate quality of goodness. This holiday period is an especially marvelous time to open our hearts even wider to them.
Some don’t know the mistakes they are making, or else they may know they are making them but aren’t yet confident enough to be living in the light of truth, kindness and self-forgiveness. Whatever the cause of the lapse in judgment, compassion is always an ideal gift to give to others, and to yourself.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com