Tell Giselle: Some questions may be too personal, for now

I held a surprise birthday party for one of my dearest friends and had invited someone to come, a friend of his, who I had not met before. That is not uncommon whenever a gathering, large or small, is being assembled for a major milestone celebration.

My friend being feted has known this person for several decades and I had heard plenty of stories involving the two of them. Like many pleasant and meaningful friendships that begin on the job, this relationship continued to develop after each had taken other positions.

Some of the tales, not gossip, revolved around the time when they were office coworkers, but many others were of post-employment conversations and their life events. For context, both of these people have been happily married to their current spouses and are parents of adult children.

The surprise was a total success and everyone there seemed to get along swimmingly. During the night there were many moments of conversation about who everyone was to one another, how each met, that sort of thing.

It was possibly because of that high level of relaxed festive energy, and a few rounds of bubbly, that a deeply personal question was suddenly posed directly to my partner and me. It had not been prompted by an earlier conversational point and, as can happen in these public or group settings, it had just a tinge of the awkwardness of a non sequitur.

I tend to be on the spectrum of living as an open book, in that I believe we are all here to be of service to one another and by sharing what we know, we all will be better off. I have often jokingly said, “We are all here to help one another and I am waiting for the person who is to help me show up.”

Perhaps that is far in the future that I find myself in serious need.

I do realize not everyone lives by my creed and are not as comfortable as I am about being so forthcoming with personal information. There have been times during counseling sessions when my openness has inspired others to reevaluate how they present themselves to the world. Some find the strength and inspiration to commit to divulging more of who they are, more of what they think and believe, and stop being afraid of what may come from any revelations.

Whether it is for edification, expanding the intimacy, or for finding commonalities, lots of people are curious and just want to ask questions that may cross a privacy boundary they are not even aware exists.

No surprise then that there was an abrupt pivot to the positive energy when my partner declined to answer the question, and responded with “that’s a personal answer.”

At that point my attention was pulled in a different direction with others. The rest of the evening continued beautifully. No weird aftertaste.

But it did leave me thinking about situations like this. How can we be at our best in any circumstance, or be the ideal guest? I think it begins with having a feel for where we stand among others and what the climate or culture is in any private or group situation. How we respond, whether we are gracious or defensive can make or break an opportunity for learning and compassionate exchanges.

I am glad my partner felt he could express his truth, which was that he did not want to answer the question, and he related this without hesitation.

But I was even more delighted that he did it in a friendly, respectful tone. He was not defensive or rude. He did not shame the person. He just conveyed that he didn’t want to “go there” in the conversation.

On the other hand, had I been more directly engaged with the questioner, I likely would have responded that I would be happy to talk about it later. That is a response I learned long ago. It’s a clear, polite way of acknowledging the interest and opportunity for discussing that question.

That response also prevents the answer becoming the dominating topic at the party, or being a distraction from spotlighting, in this case, the guest of honor and reason for the celebration.

Personal or provocative questions, especially the ones with no short or simple answers, have their time and place. If you do not want them to be a buzzkill, think before you speak. Think before you respond. Think on these things as you head into the New Year and you might see the need to adjust your stance.