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A counseling session with a professional brought to mind how to navigate the dating scene. How soon to begin dating after a death of a partner or a spouse, is a question that has come up more than once.
Even more perplexing is how one can convey truthfully and effectively one’s status on dating apps. How can a person indicate that they are available for romance but are not ready for a lifelong commitment, without limiting the dating pool options?
It is quite the norm to become so focused or fixated on what we believe is true about ourselves and our romances that we can have a hard time seeing the wider picture of life: who we are, what we want, and what we are creating each day.
For most of the months or years of many partnerships or marriages, people live in a narrative of their own making. This narrative constricts what they do. It affects their perceptions of what is the best way to live in relationship. Narratives can create confusing distortions so that people cannot easily see the mistakes they are making, that they often come to regret as the relationship begins to falter or when it completely dissolves.
The older I have gotten, the more I respect this universal law: What our thoughts are telling us is only a story of our thoughts, and not necessarily the truth in our heart. It takes work and time to be able to develop a skillset that shows the difference, helping to streamline the process of unifying mind and heart.
Yearend holidays often have happy proposals, but so often it is a time of breaking apart to try to restart one’s life with a new relationship status. As separated or divorced people go forward adapting to their new “single” reality, I suggest they try to catch themselves whenever they find themselves listening, dwelling and following what those thoughts are telling them, and question their veracity.
We can all do this no matter what relationship we are in. But for those in challenging or exciting romantic states, you may begin this by: 1) dialing in daily to your emotions and responses, and 2) making sure you use your critical thinking and spiritual template to discern if you are following a loop of deceptive narrative.
These narratives come from many sources and triggers.
You have to consider that many random or ruminative thoughts, whether they be judgments, or else about how you feel or how you think you feel, might be holding you down like a binding that entraps a wild and beautiful animal who only deserves to live freely.
Often these thoughts are dangerous impediments in that they are part of a self-sabotage, that may have been some else’s virus that you became contaminated with. If they are not dealt with correctly, the “germ” thoughts become intrusive, waste time and are counterproductive to spiritual and professional growth.
Many of us will go through false narrative dances every single week, over something or somebody. Sometimes it comes through social media posts or gossip that carries false information or questionable opinions.
If you choose to use this awareness of false narrative, you can turn the dances into a self-enlightenment practice, and become masterful.
As to presenting oneself on dating apps or any messaging that coveys you are putting yourself out there for a romantic relationship, I think it best to be upfront about your intentions. As to one’s status, if for example you are a divorced mother or father, I suggest you not identify as such.
Single is fully positive. Go with that. There is plenty of time later to get into the specifics of your love life’s history. Why? Because society’s label “divorced” is only a reinforcement of negative, when in fact it does not have to be seen as either negative or positive.
Single contains the germ of hope and enthusiasm for even a greater rebirth. So, best to identify as only a desirable catch, one that is a rare gem, and a potential partner that makes things better.
Use transition time for self-care. By that I mean getting really physically fit through dietary enhancements, exercise and ample time away from distractions. Indulge in your personal interests and passions, including refining any of your talents that have been neglected.
Making changes can be some of the best or the worst experiences, depending on how you approach the process. Making changes in order to cause movement, rather than to create momentum, is not ideal. In a future column I will explore the difference between movement and momentum.
Any relationship that ends is an opportunity for exquisite growth, for the dumper and the dumpee. May you energize renewal with the help of a narrative dance practice, regardless of relationship status.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com