Tell Giselle: Ponder religious options before pregnancy

A couple wanting to come to a decision about whether or not to adhere to their family’s religious traditions and practices posed the question: “Do you think it is best if we introduce our children to what we were taught, or is it better to teach them a variety of beliefs and let them decide?”

G: This is one of those discussions that ideally should happen well before a committed relationship moves to, let’s say marriage and family planning. That does not always occur until an event triggers the topic. Sometimes that is when a fertility window begins to close. At that time many couples may be surprised to discover that they may not be on the same page about religion as their partner or other family members. This can lead to a “threshold” issue, that make-or-break point, where usually someone must compromise or else move on.

It is not uncommon for people to reconsider their religious or spiritual beliefs even when they are not deciding on parenthood. I, for example, abandoned my religious childhood indoctrination even before I left for college. Then, at the age of 40, I embarked on making a formal conversion to a totally different path.

I was compelled to do this hard work as I had learned a great deal from my life experiences, and through an unexpected genealogy discovery that connected me to a path I felt resonated most closely with my clairvoyant experiences.

My daughter was 16 at the time this happened, and was impressed with what I had been discovering. She soon embarked on her own educational immersion into these teachings I had been sharing with her. Her boyfriend at the time also wanted to learn more about his own father’s faith tradition, something he had not been informed about. It was not long after my formal conversion that they completed theirs.

The joy in this for me was there had been no coercion, no pressure, for either of them to follow me into a spiritual observance.

Having offered that as a bit of context for my advice for this column, I need to add that I had briefly enrolled my daughter in a religious school when she was in fifth grade, as it was the better option than the public school available at that time. I also opened her reading selections to religious texts and discussed many belief “systems” over her lifetime.

I did this in order that she would have a more worldly view, and a historical perspective, in which to engage other people from differing cultures and indoctrinations.

Now that she is a hospital physician, encountering many colleagues and patients from various faiths, as well as agnostics and atheists, I believe all the religious/spiritual information she absorbed has been worthwhile. Not only to her, but to her patients and coworkers, as they frequently navigate care options and end of life decisions that bump up against one’s religious creed.

Religious and spiritual education is like giving someone the gift of learning a foreign language. It is not necessary to have a successful life, but it does provide a person with extra tools. Having this additional knowledge not only can enhance one’s experience and be a complementary asset to one’s career goals, it is another vehicle for acquiring wisdom, while providing advantages of community and support.

The challenges for many couples are coping with different backgrounds, and being as patient and non-judgmental as possible. Not everyone knows what you know, nor comes from the set of conditions that make you think and believe as you currently do.

Many seekers of truth find the dogma pushed upon them as children isn’t satisfying enough to stick with it as adults. Particularly when one factors in the hypocrisy in the leadership of many religious organizations and the inconsistencies of their foundational texts, it is no surprise arguments arise between otherwise loving people.

It does no harm to discuss with one’s children what we were taught as children, even if we no longer follow said beliefs. What I think is harmful is promoting any dogma as being the only way to truth or a happy life. Emphasize that people continue to live productive, meaningful, and fulfilling lives with and without religion.

What I have gleaned from my immersion in comparative religion is unique to me, but not uniquely my own. By that I mean each day I am an expression of my level of spiritual understanding and development, as are you.

Hopefully over time and with experience and/or moments of grace, our knowledge reaches a level of wisdom that brings us to peace and being a peacemaker. If that is not the goal of spiritual and religious teachings, no matter what the denomination, then it is not a path I hold in any regard worth my attention and time.

Parents can use that standard, when comparing and contrasting practices and beliefs, as a guide for deciding what is essential knowledge to impart to their children.