Tell Giselle: Advice that goes on backburner

I had a conversation with someone who had been frustrated with their good friend. What I heard was essentially a lament many of us have likely experienced. It went something like this: My friend (it could easily also be a relative, coworker or partner) periodically asks for my opinion and then often, most usually, doesn’t use it. They will say to me, “I’ll think about it.”

Sound familiar?

Eventually the person finds out that none of their sage advice was taken, and the friend (relative/coworker/partner) still hasn’t done anything noticeable to fix the situation they are thrashing with.

The perplexing thing is that whatever the problem or concern may be at any given moment, these people often seem like they really do want to hear our opinion, but truth be told, they really are not ready to know “our” better way of acting. In fact, any delay on their part in coming to a decision, and making a change or starting on a new course, only buries them in their hole that much deeper.

Some of the best advice any of us can receive does not always come at the exact moment it is sought. That is because at the point of expressing or sharing an issue that truly needs a solution, many of us are not quite ready to hear the truth.

Sometimes it is because we just don’t have the bandwidth right then to listen to a litany of options, for how to address or deal with real problems as a mature adult should. Sometimes it is because we want to hang on to the delusions that got us into the pickle in the first place. Sometimes we are just being stubborn or not ready to hang up our denial.

A cause of the delay and difficulty in being able to hear a solution, and make a plan for change, is often just because life is a process.

By that I mean, a day begins, things occur, things pile up, things get resolved, some problems get carried over to another day or pushed out of sight. Repeat ad nauseum.

Whenever we are in a state of quandary or confusion, a tough place that makes us uncomfortable and irritable, we are likely to be less capable of looking with sharp vision at our situation. That blurred look even distorts some of the facts of how we got into the situation that is now troubling us. This adds to the strength of denial and, with that, a hesitation to embrace our choices.

What is one to do about any relationship where the person you care about just cannot seem to move ahead, even when they’ve been given your great feedback?

First things first … take a deep breath. As you exhale try to remind yourself of any of the times you were that kind of person, someone in distress who just needed to vent. Or that person who wanted to give voice to a complex dilemma, and feel like you had someone who had concern for your happiness and well being, and maybe had something important to offer you that you had not considered.

When you resume your normal breathing you’ll likely be more compassionate – less judgmental and more supportive – having stood in their awkward shoes for at least one whole breath.

When it comes to giving counsel, a good rule of thumb is to care deeply, but not to the point you lose your emotional balance. It’s good to remember that most of the time the things we get stressed over and all worked up about really don’t make or break our life or lifestyle.

But when the issues are truly intense and substantial, it’s best to be directed to the pros. Whether it be legal, financial or medical, if the challenges that are plaguing your friend (relative, coworker, partner) are significantly disruptive, offer up the guidance for them to seek out those whose livelihood comes from such expertise.

Then return to being the sounding board when appropriate, without becoming the enabler that stalls any positive movement. We do feel loved knowing there’s a soft place to land, but when that spot belongs to someone else and it becomes a crutch for inaction, that cushion can be paralyzing.