Tell Giselle: Rejecting schadenfreude

Recent media developments brought to mind a counseling session:

“A colleague did not get a promotion. They have been professionally successful, similarly to my own career, but this time they were surprised they were not chosen. I have gone back and forth with feeling upset for them, but then do feel glad they are having a rough time. I think that is because they are not deserving of getting the position or another perk, but think they are. How do I stop taking enjoyment over their situation, or does that matter to our relationship that I feel conflicted?”

G: Have you detected an uptick in the display of schadenfreude, the particularly repulsive, unvirtuous emotional expression that reveals a malicious side of human nature and/or serious deficits in one’s capacity to feel empathy and compassion?

Are you seeing more of it in your friends, family, the media, or worse, yourself?

I am talking here about those who indulge in gleefulness or gossip (private or on social media) whenever they learn of a celebrity’s downfall, or any public figure, who suddenly becomes the subject of scorn, public shaming or “cancelled” because of tawdry or illegal actions.

It seems endemic. A media company has decided to produce programs about mostly well-known people who have been embroiled in disgraceful situations. Adding to that are recent headlines that won’t turn off the klieg lights on the grandiose ethical or mental lapses of elected officials and judges.

Many are elated by “karmic justice” being served, seeing dirty laundry being aired, or else they are happily taking great profits from click bait or the audience they grow.

It all feels to me like our culture has taken a regrettable shift downward.

Yes it does matter to any friendship or relationship when we take any degree of pleasure in someone’s distress, disappointment or difficulty. What matters is how long one stays in that mindset or heart space.

In my spiritual playbook it is a victory anytime a person can recognize their reaction is neither healthy nor appropriate, enough so to question how it fits into an existing relationship.

I celebrate this as it is the moment a person can choose a different, more loving response.

Gaining any pleasure in another’s loss of dignity, social status or circumstance that diminishes their happiness (and that includes health or finances) is a huge problem. Feeling that way does nothing to enhance the ability to generate peace inside and outside of your own head.

All it does is perpetuate inner turmoil that often spills over to generating external conflicts that will ultimately damage or totally destroy relationships or reputations.

As to how to stop resorting to feeling self-righteous, vindicated, or even “a bit better about yourself” whenever you learn of someone getting their “just desserts” or comeuppance, so to speak, is simple but not necessarily easy. It will require a bit of sustained practice in the art of self-honesty and self-awareness.

Begin with thinking of what it would be like to live out of a belief system that does allow for the feeling of schadenfreude, but not seen as a negative, but rather as a vehicle for actually expanding our empathy.

The way that would work is to understand that the happier anyone/everyone is, the happier you will be able to feel. You actually gain when others achieve.

For example, instead of being envious of someone’s promotion or talent at any given endeavor, look at what their advancement or talent is providing humanity, rather than how it benefits them.

With that orientation it should be pretty easy to see that great creators or producers of any beneficial content would then not illicit envy in others who are engaged in those pursuits. Even when they are recognized for their artistic contributions with lauded prizes or honors, we can choose to see them as gifts to ourselves.

These people would be collectively celebrated because their efforts or work have brought so much pleasure, healing or peace to the world, in some incremental way.

This shift in attitude even applies to anyone who has cheated others or “the system”. Stop taking joy in seeing them face accountability in either the courts or in the realm of public opinion, with financial penalties, loss of career, jail time, or exiled via the practice of cancellation. You are under no requirement to “pray” for them to see the light. Instead, consider electing to look at their self-created plight as a lesson in how to do life better.

Those who now suffer shame, or are soon to be the focus of schadenfreude, are instruments for our own, and our culture’s, growth.

Their fall from grace through any failures, or inability to recognize missteps or lawbreaking do provide us a chance to self-reflect. We can reach our “higher” nature of compassion and forgiveness. We can be grateful remembering what not to do: Do not bring disgrace upon oneself and one’s circle.

Sure, those who break the code of society’s norms for the collective good need to be held accountable. But instead of deriving delight from the events of their missed promotion, lousy choices or mental and spiritual impairment, we can instead practice feeling pleasure from other’s successes.

As we age, emotions that were normal to experience as uneducated and immature beings are an unproductive use of energy, and unappealing. It takes as much awareness to turn away from schadenfreude as is required to embrace its opposite: the art of living as if all hearts are to beat harmoniously as one, so we derive joy in other’s successes.