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“I do not want to contribute to a retirement party for someone I really don’t care about. How would you decline?”
G: Are you facing a holiday where a party, card or gift for a family member, friend, or coworker is required? Does it create a tension in you, or an unpleasant emotion? Do you cringe because you are feeling an undue burden? Are you just not feeling it or can you truly not afford to be generous?
A slightly different version of this happened to me a number of years ago. A birthday card was circulating for someone in my office who had been there quite a while. I think they were hitting a milestone birthday, maybe 50.
As with many we work with, some you connect with, others you remain distant from. With this particular employee, they had created enough good will, but enough turmoil, that it was hard for me to feel I wanted to participate. So, when the card reached my desk, I just wasn’t feeling it.
After a few minutes of the card sitting on my desk, I got up and put it on someone else’s desk to deal with. It was rather easy for me to do this as I did not have any investment in whether or not this would create a problem or awkward feelings.
That, however is not always the case when it comes to a boss or with family members. Handling how you remove yourself from the card and gift participation can make or break important relationships. I’m not saying there is an art to this, but it does require some honesty with tact.
To the person who is requesting from you a contribution you do not want to oblige, simply say you prefer not to participate. Should the person inquire as to why, you are in the right to respond, “I would rather not say.” You can add, “It’s personal.”
The important thing here is to say it with a voice that conveys your conviction, not meanness. This way you will be putting a period on that discussion and that ought to be the end of it.
Like most readers, I have been hit up for donations to this that and the other thing, more times than any can count. As a result of so much practice, I have gotten more at ease with my declines. Guilt long ago vanished whenever I say “No” or “No thank you” to something that I either don’t want or don’t want to do.
The invitations to donate have ranged from national fundraisers, such as athletic and medical research events, to local booster clubs. They’ve included being pressured into buying Girl Scout cookies and other junky popcorns or cookie dough. Recently there was a group selling bird houses in front of my local grocery store.
I believe these were sincere, kindhearted Audubon society folks who were taking great pride in the handmade wooden homes, soon to be occupied with chirping beauties.
I love birds but I just wasn’t feelin’ it that day, in part because I have been in the birdhouse world and I clearly recall what a constant mess it makes.
The point here is you don’t always have to fork over your money, or your signature on a card, if you do not feel like it. What is important, however, is that for those you are close to, you might want to have a discussion about changing the exchange protocol, if gift and card giving has become too much.
As a sidebar to this, I have never felt 100 percent comfortable signing a Mother’s, Father’s, or Grandparent’s Day card to anyone who was not my own mother, father or grandparent. It just never seems truthful. I realize that plenty of others do not see it that way.
For many, signing any card just means you are sending loving thoughts. I’m more literal and I realize that it sometimes creates unpleasantries. I’ve made my peace with that.
As my friends have aged, some much older than me, the pattern of sending and receiving gifts or cards has changed. Without any declaration, some have stopped entirely, while others carry on. This is pretty normal from what I can tell.
A while ago an extended family member made it known to the rest of the clan that birthday cards and gifts were no longer going to be exchanged. It was the kind of declaration that came out of the blue, but landed softly. No biggie. It was just more of a notification. Just because there would be less presents for me on my day did not mean I was being prevented from sending cards or gifts.
This is how it should be. Give generously and without the obligatory burden when you want to give, and don’t give when you don’t want to give, or don’t have it to give. Then move on, and closer to all those who indulge you and who you love indulging.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com