Tell Giselle: How long is too long

“My boyfriend and I have been together for what I think is long enough to make a real commitment. I know he does not see it the same way. I do not want to make excuses for him, but I do understand he needs to work out some personal issues before we make this relationship firm with marriage.

“I have talked to several close friends and relatives, asking them how long it took for them to know it was time to go to the next step. No one had a definitive answer, and some even got married within what I call ‘scary too soon’.

“What are some guidelines for knowing when long is too long?”

G: Some of our romantic behaviors and beliefs, even our career goals, can be influenced by our childhood or early experiences. If possible, examine how your parents got together. This may reveal to you that you are being affected in ways that may not suit your current situation.

For example, when my mother (several years deceased) used to speak of how she met my father, her first husband, she made it seem like it was pure destiny. And that fanciful story twisted my thinking for many decades, taking me down some wildly challenging romantic escapades that I do not regret one bit.

It went something like this: She was in her early 20s, working in an office in NYC and happened to spot a sign for a tea leaf reading. Curious, she went into the storefront and sat down in front of a woman. After looking at the bottom of the tea cup that had the residue of moist leaves, the tea leaf reader said my mother would be meeting a man soon, I believe she said he was handsome, and marrying him.

Turns out, my mother had first met my “handsome” father when she was fourteen and he was 16. The way my mother told it, the moment she saw him she felt a “zing,” something like a bolt or charge of energy. She had no idea what it meant.

They had gone their separate ways, and years later, magically an elevator door opened at her building, and there stood my father. He was in the city to see a relative after having returned from a four-year military stint, and as surprised as she was to be bumping into him this way. Lo and behold, they soon were dating.

It took about four more years before my father proposed and they were wed.

Had my mother not “waited” for him, well you can guess how that would have ended for me and my five siblings. Maybe we wouldn’t be here, maybe we would, via some other lovers.

Anyway, the big picture is about choosing to wait or not to wait because it is what you want to be doing with your life. Not simply because a tea leaf reader, or a zing, gives you a sign, or because you are trying to replicate something from your history.

Quite a few people will be quick to think you are wasting your time, or are not wasting your time. I know I heard this a number of times during my dating years. It didn’t dissuade me of my escapades.

Generally speaking, I don’t think it is helpful to ask anyone if you are wasting your time about anything, as only the truth of your heart can tell you the value of any experience you undertake.

I see all of life’s adventures and partnerships as being more about what you are learning about yourself, and secondly about others, as you fully surrender to experience day to day living with an open heart and mind. If you are in a beneficial partnership, one that consistently adds greatness and peace to your life, hang with it as happily as you can for as long as you want, with or without a formal declaration or marriage certificate.

If you are with someone that mistreats you verbally and/or physically, feeds an insecurity, doesn’t elevate your well-being, or else makes you doubt their sincerity and investment in you, seek professional help. You can also discuss any hurtful or manipulative dynamics with a spiritual advisor.

If you choose to separate because you feel you must move on, you can consider the time you have had together as valuable despite it having a limited run. There is always some wisdom to be gleaned from even the most challenging romances.