Tell Giselle: Getting Right with Getting Physical

Often during counseling sessions the topic of relationships comes up, including issues of physical intimacy. Every so often this concerns sexual incompatibility, disinterest, inability to perform or using pornography. The question being raised is where, if at all, one’s interest and exploration of erotic material, crosses a spiritual threshold.

“Should I stop or just limit how often I look at pornography?”

G: This question may touch people who are in committed relationships, but is particularly pertinent to those who are not in any romantic coupling. The answer will depend on whether or not one is able to recognize the various aspects this behavior is creating in oneself and in others.

We live in an open society and despite persistent efforts by religious communities, we are not about to ban many activities that challenge what has evolved to become accepted cultural norms for the majority. Such provocative images, whether in publications or films, or even the use of alcohol and recreational drugs, are here to stay and are part of what I consider to be spiritual growth tests.

How so? People of all ages find different ways to ease their distress, whether it be mental, emotional or physical tensions. Drugs and pornography consumption are such “outlets” that can easily create or exacerbate, rather than diminish, the tensions and problems of a person. These can also divide a couple or damage a family, and the larger society, in particular ways.

How is pornography different than other activities or distractions that can tip toward excess or become addictive? Pornography differs spiritually, for example, from the individual use of toxic or conscious-altering chemicals, as it is not confined to the user alone.

Pornography involves an entire ecosystem of participants, including actors, directors, editors and marketers of the end products. So, to answer whether or not someone should stop or limit their consumption of these products requires examining serious consequences that go beyond a person’s self- interests, and beyond just the effects these products have on their ability to fill some biological, psychological or emotional “need”.

These endless opportunities over the course of a lifetime are simply ways for us to fulfill our needs while examining who we are now and who we aspire to become, and they challenge us to justify our place in the world. They also provide the chance to evaluate how we are treating ourselves and others.

It is incumbent upon all of us, from my spiritual playbook, to consider both the spiritual development of oneself and that of others. Even those we may not personally know.

It helps to look at the effects of any behaviors with an honest lens that factors in more than oneself. Would you want your mother, father, son, daughter, close friend involved in the manufacture of any product that can cause harm?

It’s a simple question that cuts to the core of the concerns anyone may have with substances, products or personal behaviors. The answer to it can lead to a change that brings greater peace and wisdom.

Any addictive behavior, whether it be overeating, “retail therapy,” pornography, even for those who think it is harmless, or who are financially benefitting from it, may be minimizing risks or else may not be yet able to see that there are risks.

Some risks do not show up immediately. Some risks may seem worth the tradeoff, at first.

Finding one’s way out of any habit or addiction is not easy but it is possible. If you are questioning or reevaluating what is not working in your life, good on you. It’s the first step necessary for making the types of adjustments that can enhance one’s quality of life.

The adage not to do to others what is hateful to you is worth taking to heart. In all things physical, realize there is a spiritual component that brings even greater pleasure than any momentary release can provide.